Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Suggested New Year's Resolutions for TV Showrunners

Posted By on Wed, Dec 29, 2010 at 11:48 AM

click to enlarge Two_and_Half_Men.jpg

It would be easy to write a list of my own New Year’s resolutions (“I resolve to stop ripping on Two and a Half Men until I actually sit down and watch an entire episode.”)

But resolutions are so easily broken. It’s much more enjoyable, therefore, to suggest New Year’s resolutions for other people, and then tsk-tsk from a distance when they break them.

So here’s a quick list of suggested New Year’s resolutions for the writers of our favorite TV shows. Add your additional suggestions in the comments.

“I resolve never to let a character say something negative about another character, and then use the phrase, ‘Ooh, he’s right behind me, isn’t he?'”

“I resolve to always have a flexible one-season plan, but never a locked-down five-season plan.”

“I resolve to readily abandon any long-term plan as soon as a better idea comes along.“

“I resolve to never introduce a mystery unless I have some vague notion of the answer.“

“If I must introduce a ‘mole’ into my action thriller, I resolve to not make it a character you’d ‘least expect.' I resolve to make the mole someone who, in retrospect, makes a sort of sense.”

“I resolve to writer fewer episodes featuring flashbacks and more featuring time travel.”

“Unless my name is Bryan Fuller and I’ve hired Morgan Freeman, I resolve to never use voice-over narration in my show.”

“I resolve to rarely ever have my characters directly state their feelings. If they ever do, I resolve to write that expression as fumbling, self-deceptive or particularly poetic.“

“I resolve to rewrite any sitcom episode speech that could easily be prefixed by Kyle or Stan from South Park saying, ‘You know, I learned something today ... '”

“I resolve to let Tim Minear write and direct at least one episode of my show, even though it will likely mean my show will be canceled within five episodes.”

“I resolve to find ways to make the fans happy, to make them applaud, to cause them to smile and cheer, but never — ever — by having their favorite characters hook up. In this area, I resolve to constantly deny fans their wishes. If their characters ever find romantic happiness with each other, I resolve to kill at least one of them within three episodes. I resolve for that to just be the way I roll.”

“I resolve to answer at least one ‘will-they or won’t-they?’ romantic pairing with a definitive ‘they won’t.’"

“I resolve to use fan-favorite secondary characters with steady moderation, because, like a giant cookie, sometimes too much of a good thing is a bad thing.“ (R)

“I resolve to introduce a character that has an interesting personality instead of rocking good looks. I resolve to not write any ‘fat jokes’ about this character, hilarious as my wit may be.”

“I resolve to give the wife or girlfriend character one character trait beyond ‘naggy fun-killer.’”

“I resolve to figure out some other place to show businessmen meeting than ‘fancy restaurant’ or ‘mostly-clothed strip club.’ I resolve to find some other place to show journalists meeting their sources than ‘dark parking garage’ or ‘beneath a bridge embankment.’“

“I resolve to write at least one crazy-gutsy episode a year, one that will angrily divide fans and critics.”

“I resolve to specifically write, ‘there is to be no wacky music in this humorous scene’ in the script, and then underline it five times.”

“I resolve that, if my character must visit a therapist, he will not be Dr. Exposition.”

“I resolve to credit my co-writers whenever possible. If I win an award, I will let my co-writer give the speech.”

“I resolve to write my happy marriages like Eric and Tami Taylor and my failing marriages like Skyler and Walter White."

“I resolve to only dip into the well of crudity when the cleverness, wit and creativity of the joke truly justifies it, not because crudity can make for an easy Two and Half-Men-style lazy laugh line.” (See what I mean about how easy it is to break your New Year's resolution?)

Update: Shawn Ryan, showrunner for The Shield, Terriers, and now The Chicago Code, tweets that "Except for the narration, I'm on board [with this list]"

Chicago Code uses narration as a key storytelling device. We'll review it when it premieres in February.


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