Tools

Cousin Darrell hasn’t been the same since Barack Hussein Obama started turning the country into a godless socialist heck-hole. He’s no longer interested in RC cars or subscriptions to nudie mags. This year, his Christmas list reads like a classified ad in the back pages of Soldier of Fortune. Just go with it. The Glenn Beck voices in his head will subside soon enough.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO EDIBLE WILD PLANTS
Once the gub’ment comes for your survivalist’s guns, he’s gonna need to take to the woods. This 160-page guide — published by the gat-damn Yoo-Nited States Army in June — covers characteristics of edible, medicinal and poisonous plants. He’ll be eating like a king in the forest while Harry Reid rifles through his empty house. $13 • Northwest Maps & Travel Books • 525 W. Sprague

GADSDEN FLAG
The motto on this flag is rooted in colonial, anti-British sentiment, but it’s lately been co-opted by tea-baggers and other right-wing nutjobs, who seem to believe it’s Nancy Pelosi doing the treading these days. This flag’ll bring a tear to your survivalist’s country-lovin’ eye. $10 • Army Surplus • 2635 N. Division

SOLAR BACKPACK
Solar panels are expensive (we checked), but this 1,850-cubic-inch backpack, made from recycled soda bottles, is affordable and holds enough of a solar charge (four watts) to power an array of handheld devices, from phones to GPS trackers to Kindles. (Who goes into exile without an electronic copy of Atlas Shrugged?). $195 • Eco Depot • 1326 E. Sprague

NXT GENERATION 3-D DEER TARGET
Yes, this is marketed as a child’s inflatable deer target, but after a few weeks of self-imposed exile in the North Idaho wilderness, a feller can get lonesome. This low-cost, durable little buck (we’ll call him “Spot”) can provide welcome companionship in the cold nuclear winter. $25 • Cabela’s • 101 N. Cabela Way, Post Falls