by Andy Borowitz & r & PRESIDENT SETS TIMETABLE FOR WITHDRAWAL OF CINDY SHEEHAN & r & In a speech at the U.S. Naval Academy last week, President George W. Bush steadfastly refused to set a timetable for a withdrawal of troops from Iraq, but did set a timetable for the withdrawal of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan.
According to the president's timetable, Ms. Sheehan's ongoing protest of the war in Iraq could be over as early as next week.
"It makes me happy to announce that Cindy Sheehan will be home in time for the holidays," Mr. Bush told his Naval Academy audience.
The president said he had been reluctant to announce a timetable for Ms. Sheehan's withdrawal because he had been waiting for a replacement to be trained to assume her role as a leader in the antiwar movement.
"I am pleased to announce that the training has gone faster than anticipated, and that Cindy Sheehan's replacement will be [White House spokesman] Scott McClellan," Mr. Bush said. "Scott is ready to take over the job of protesting the war and is totally stoked about doing so."
In his first antiwar statement issued today, spokesman McClellan told reporters, "As a leader of the antiwar movement, I've got to say that the war is going much better than we thought it was. Our bad."
For his part, Mr. Bush said that Ms. Sheehan could return home with her head held high, adding, "I've got a 'Mission Accomplished' banner if she wants it -- it's only been used once."
Elsewhere, reporter Judith Miller announced plans to write her first novel, citing years of experience writing fiction for The New York Times.
& lt;i & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & lt;/i & .
According to the president's timetable, Ms. Sheehan's ongoing protest of the war in Iraq could be over as early as next week.
"It makes me happy to announce that Cindy Sheehan will be home in time for the holidays," Mr. Bush told his Naval Academy audience.
The president said he had been reluctant to announce a timetable for Ms. Sheehan's withdrawal because he had been waiting for a replacement to be trained to assume her role as a leader in the antiwar movement.
"I am pleased to announce that the training has gone faster than anticipated, and that Cindy Sheehan's replacement will be [White House spokesman] Scott McClellan," Mr. Bush said. "Scott is ready to take over the job of protesting the war and is totally stoked about doing so."
In his first antiwar statement issued today, spokesman McClellan told reporters, "As a leader of the antiwar movement, I've got to say that the war is going much better than we thought it was. Our bad."
For his part, Mr. Bush said that Ms. Sheehan could return home with her head held high, adding, "I've got a 'Mission Accomplished' banner if she wants it -- it's only been used once."
Elsewhere, reporter Judith Miller announced plans to write her first novel, citing years of experience writing fiction for The New York Times.
& lt;i & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & lt;/i & .
