With a beaming President Bush at his side, Judge Roberts said that if he serves on the nation's highest court, "The nondescript American white male, who is woefully underrepresented in this country at present, will finally have a voice."
Judge Roberts summarized the life experiences that had put him in touch with the needs of the generic white male, including a brief period in the early 1980s when he modeled generic men's sportswear for K-Mart, as well as a later stint as a downloadable generic white male icon for ClipArt.
While President Bush praised his nominee for being both "inter-changeable" and "unremarkable," a poll taken just hours after the nomination was announced suggests trouble ahead, with a clear majority of Americans being unable to remember Judge Roberts' name.
According to the poll, more 50 percent of those surveyed identified Mr. Bush's nominee as either "Jim Rogers" or "Bob Roberts," with over 70 percent confusing him with CBS News anchor John Roberts, yet another prominent generic white male.
For his part, President Bush appeared unfazed by such numbers, telling reporters at the White House, "I have total confidence in Don Rogers."
Elsewhere, more than 150,000 women in Great Britain submitted applications to become actor Jude Law's new nanny.
For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out www.borowitzreport.com.