by Andy Borowitz
Amid reports that the new Star Wars film contains not-so-subtle anti-Bush messages, President George W. Bush today took to the national airwaves to vow revenge against the Sith.
Speaking from the Oval Office in the nationally televised address, the president portrayed the United States' conflict with the Sith as a classic struggle between good and evil.
"Now is the time for all of the nations of the world to ask themselves," the president said, "are you with us, or are you with the Sith?"
At a time when the U.S. military is considering dozens of base closings across the country, the president's decision to declare a new war, especially one that would presumably take place in outer space, took many by surprise.
But according to retired Gen. Crandall Wheatley of the University of Minnesota's Defense Institute, there may be a method to the president's madness: "At a time when the U.S. military is stretched thin, it may make sense to declare war against a fictitious enemy."
Furthermore, declaring war against an enemy that is not really there is not completely without precedent in U.S. history, Wheatley says: "There was the invasion of Iraq, for example."
But in the U.S. Senate, even some of the president's Republican colleagues seemed cool to his latest crusade, with one Senate aide offering this terse summary of Mr. Bush's second term in office: "Tough on aliens, soft on illegal aliens."
Elsewhere, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline shocked the world with their new reality series Tuesday night by proving that they could successfully operate a video camera.
Publication date: 05/26/05