While Ms. Aniston's personal life has been the subject of intense scrutiny by the celebrity magazines and tabloids in recent months, the news that she had somehow acquired a weapon of mass destruction appeared to have caught the media totally unaware.
Nuclear proliferation experts were doubly concerned that Ms. Aniston's weapon could reach Malibu, the location of her ex-husband Brad Pitt's home, which he shares with actress Angelina Jolie.
In Washington, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) led a chorus of Democratic lawmakers who called Ms. Aniston's acquisition of a nuclear weapon "a direct result of this Administration's failed policy in Iraq.
"While the White House has been bogged down in Iraq, others have been quietly acquiring weapons of mass destruction," Sen. Kerry said. "North Korea, Iran and, now, Jennifer Aniston."
At the White House, President Bush said that he was "deeply troubled" that Ms. Aniston had somehow acquired a nuclear weapon, but privately White House staffers remained hopeful that she would not use it.
"Maybe if Vince Vaughn proposes to her, the whole thing goes away," said one aide. Another aide said that there was a silver lining in the Aniston news: "If a Hollywood star was going to acquire a nuclear weapon, we should all be grateful that it wasn't Russell Crowe."
Elsewhere, in a sign that the United States is abiding by international laws against torture, the WB and UPN television networks were both shut down.
& lt;i & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & lt;/i & .