"I am here to say to all Americans that if it can happen to me, it can happen to you," Mr. Bush said, adding that whoever stole his identity had been using it "day in, day out" for his entire tenure in the White House.
The president said he first learned that he had been the victim of identity theft over the 4th of July holiday, when he attempted to use his MasterCard at a bike store and it was declined "because someone in another state was using it to buy quail-hunting rifles."
After the president told MasterCard that those charges were not his, the credit card representative ran down a list of other recent charges, including a $14.3 billion construction contract with the Halliburton Company.
"I told them that I didn't make that charge, but then I went ahead and approved it," he said. "I would've approved it sooner or later."
While Mr. Bush said he was troubled by the theft of his credit card numbers, the loss of his Social Security number did not worry him: "Let's face it, I'm never going to fix Social Security anyway."
Elsewhere, in what appears to be redemption for his performance in the 2006 FIFA World Cup, French football star Zinedine Zidane was elected President of Italy.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .