by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & U.S. CONFUSES INSURGETNS WITH PRESCRIPTION DRUG PLAN & r & In an effort to confuse Iraqi insurgents, the Pentagon announced this week that the U.S. had begun bombarding insurgent positions with copies of President Bush's Medicare prescription drug plan.
At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the idea of confusing the insurgents with the president's Medicare plan was hatched last week, after Mr. Bush appeared at a series of town hall meetings at which seniors in his audience seemed thoroughly bewildered by the intricate new program.
"We realized, if this prescription drug plan is that confusing in English, imagine how incoherent it would seem once it was translated into Arabic," Secretary Rumsfeld said.
As soon as Pentagon planners seized upon the idea of using the President's plan to confuse the insurgents, Operation Incomprehensible Program was launched.
According to Secretary Rumsfeld, U.S. warplanes pounded insurgent positions in the cities of Tikrit and Najaf with copies of the prescription drug plan in the early morning hours of Monday. Mr. Rumsfeld added that satellite photos of those positions have been encouraging thus far, showing dozens of Iraqi insurgents reading the prescription drug plan and scratching their heads.
The Defense Secretary said he was hopeful that Operation Incomprehensible Program would leave the Iraqi insurgents totally baffled, but he hinted that the Pentagon had other tactics up its sleeve: "We are fully prepared to bombard them with copies of my press briefings."
Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that his department would beef up security at the nation's chemical plants by compiling a complete list of plants that are vulnerable to attack and publishing them online.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the idea of confusing the insurgents with the president's Medicare plan was hatched last week, after Mr. Bush appeared at a series of town hall meetings at which seniors in his audience seemed thoroughly bewildered by the intricate new program.
"We realized, if this prescription drug plan is that confusing in English, imagine how incoherent it would seem once it was translated into Arabic," Secretary Rumsfeld said.
As soon as Pentagon planners seized upon the idea of using the President's plan to confuse the insurgents, Operation Incomprehensible Program was launched.
According to Secretary Rumsfeld, U.S. warplanes pounded insurgent positions in the cities of Tikrit and Najaf with copies of the prescription drug plan in the early morning hours of Monday. Mr. Rumsfeld added that satellite photos of those positions have been encouraging thus far, showing dozens of Iraqi insurgents reading the prescription drug plan and scratching their heads.
The Defense Secretary said he was hopeful that Operation Incomprehensible Program would leave the Iraqi insurgents totally baffled, but he hinted that the Pentagon had other tactics up its sleeve: "We are fully prepared to bombard them with copies of my press briefings."
Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that his department would beef up security at the nation's chemical plants by compiling a complete list of plants that are vulnerable to attack and publishing them online.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
