by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & BUSH: KEEP GUANTANAMO OPEN, CLOSE UNITED NATIONS & r & & lt;span class= & quot;dropcap & quot; & D & lt;/span & ays after a United Nations panel issued a report roundly criticizing practices at the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo, President George W. Bush said today that the Guantanamo facility should remain open but that the United Nations should be closed.
Mr. Bush's plan to keep Guantanamo open but close the United Nations seemed likely to fall far short of the recommendations that the U.N. panel put forth.
But at a press briefing at the White House, the president remained steadfast in his position that the U.N. should be closed, calling conditions there "intolerable and possibly in violation of the Geneva Conventions."
"The United Nations regularly issues reports, which we are then forced to read," Mr. Bush said. "This practice of making us read things is tantamount to torture."
"Day in, day out, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations is forced to listen to the endless ramblings of foreigners, many of whom do not speak English at all," Mr. Bush continued. "He is forced to wear those ear-thingies in his ears to understand them, and after hours of having those on, his ears start to hurt bad."
Mr. Bush said that the United Nations has carried out other inhumane practices for years, including "making people get resolutions approved before they can go and invade other countries."
The president concluded his remarks by congratulating Iraq on forming a new government, adding, "Now it is your duty to do what all governments must do: Eavesdrop on your people."
Elsewhere, a new study shows that apes are capable of planning ahead, except for the ones who work at FEMA.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
Mr. Bush's plan to keep Guantanamo open but close the United Nations seemed likely to fall far short of the recommendations that the U.N. panel put forth.
But at a press briefing at the White House, the president remained steadfast in his position that the U.N. should be closed, calling conditions there "intolerable and possibly in violation of the Geneva Conventions."
"The United Nations regularly issues reports, which we are then forced to read," Mr. Bush said. "This practice of making us read things is tantamount to torture."
"Day in, day out, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations is forced to listen to the endless ramblings of foreigners, many of whom do not speak English at all," Mr. Bush continued. "He is forced to wear those ear-thingies in his ears to understand them, and after hours of having those on, his ears start to hurt bad."
Mr. Bush said that the United Nations has carried out other inhumane practices for years, including "making people get resolutions approved before they can go and invade other countries."
The president concluded his remarks by congratulating Iraq on forming a new government, adding, "Now it is your duty to do what all governments must do: Eavesdrop on your people."
Elsewhere, a new study shows that apes are capable of planning ahead, except for the ones who work at FEMA.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
