by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & BIN LADEN UPSET AT 'AMERICAN IDOL' FOR THEIR HIGHER RATINGS & r & & lt;span class= & quot;dropcap & quot; & J & lt;/span & ust days after releasing a new terror tape, al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden is furious that the ratings for his tape were dwarfed by those of the American Idol finale and has declared an all-out "global jihad" against the popular song contest.
Millions of viewers worldwide watched the American Idol finale last Wednesday, drawing the ire of Mr. bin Laden, who had hoped that his latest terror tape would be the highest-rated TV show of the week.
But while Idol fans around the globe watched Taylor Hicks defeat Katharine McPhee for the top songfest honors, Mr. bin Laden was seething in his cave and plotting revenge, sources close to the madman say.
"When Taylor started singing his number, Osama took off a sandal and threw it at the TV screen," one close associate of the terror chief said. "He was like, 'I can't believe people are watching this crap instead of my tapes.'"
In yet another terror tape broadcast on the Arabic-language network al-Jazeera, Mr. bin Laden vowed revenge against his latest nemeses, thundering, "I will not rest until I have put an end to these American idols and their American idolaters."
While Mr. bin Laden's associates publicly support his latest jihad, one aide who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the terror chief's sagging ratings may be partially his own fault: "We suggested he introduce a singing segment on his terror tapes, but he balked."
Elsewhere, NASA launched a new weather satellite in order to give the White House earlier and more accurate hurricane warnings to ignore.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
Millions of viewers worldwide watched the American Idol finale last Wednesday, drawing the ire of Mr. bin Laden, who had hoped that his latest terror tape would be the highest-rated TV show of the week.
But while Idol fans around the globe watched Taylor Hicks defeat Katharine McPhee for the top songfest honors, Mr. bin Laden was seething in his cave and plotting revenge, sources close to the madman say.
"When Taylor started singing his number, Osama took off a sandal and threw it at the TV screen," one close associate of the terror chief said. "He was like, 'I can't believe people are watching this crap instead of my tapes.'"
In yet another terror tape broadcast on the Arabic-language network al-Jazeera, Mr. bin Laden vowed revenge against his latest nemeses, thundering, "I will not rest until I have put an end to these American idols and their American idolaters."
While Mr. bin Laden's associates publicly support his latest jihad, one aide who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the terror chief's sagging ratings may be partially his own fault: "We suggested he introduce a singing segment on his terror tapes, but he balked."
Elsewhere, NASA launched a new weather satellite in order to give the White House earlier and more accurate hurricane warnings to ignore.
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
