Pin It
Favorite

Borowitz Report 

By Andy Borowitz & r & & r & First Starbucks To Be Built on Moon by 2020 & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & V & lt;/span & owing to boldly go where no gourmet coffee chain has ever gone before, Starbucks Inc. announced today that it would build its first coffee franchise on the moon by the year 2020.


While the coffee giant raised eyebrows in the restaurant and aerospace industries with its startling announcement, it stunned Wall Street with its plan to expand to more than 11,000 lunar coffeehouses by 2021.





At a press conference at the company's Seattle headquarters, Starbucks spokeswoman Carol Foyler said that NASA's decision to build a manned base on the lunar surface by the year 2020 motivated Starbucks' decision to expand moonward.





"Those astronauts are going to be working long and hard to build that moon base, and we're betting they're going to want a latte or two," Foyler says. "Fortunately, there'll be a Starbucks on the edge of every crater."


But Starbucks' decision to expand to 11,000 stores by 2021 inspired skepticism among restaurant industry experts, who wondered if there was a market for lunar coffee large enough to justify such accelerated growth.


"The biggest problem is that there is no life on the moon," said Nick Klujian, an analyst at Morgan Stanley. "They'd be much better off on Mars."


In response to Mr. Klujian's comment, Starbucks responded: "Did we say the moon? We meant Mars. Sorry, we got the order wrong."





Elsewhere, spokespersons for Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn said that the couple has broken up but remain good friends, according to a story published today in Like I Care magazine.





& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & &

  • Pin It

Latest in News

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri
Tournament of the Inland Empire

Tournament of the Inland Empire @ Northwest Renaissance Festival

Sat., May 30, 8 a.m.-8 p.m. and Sun., May 31, 8 a.m.-8 p.m.

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • On a Roll

    Just-announced reforms do little to safeguard Spokane against the danger of oil trains
    • May 6, 2015
  • Hierarchy of Needs

    Spokane experiments with Housing First programs
    • May 13, 2015
  • More »

© 2015 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation