By Andy Borowitz & r & & r & Monica Lewinski Mulls Presidential Run in 2008 & lt;BR & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & A & lt;/span & new survey of Democratic voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either candidate.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21 percent, Sen. Clinton 18 percent, and various forms of suicide 61 percent.
"Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus" was the most popular means of suicide at 22 percent, with "jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge" coming in second at 17 percent.
According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential presidential candidates in 2008.
"It's still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn't be making Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers," Mr. Pritchard said.
Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Clinton, adding, "That's better than a sharp stick in the eye."
But Mr. Pritchard was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Kerry's upbeat assessment: "In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Sen. Kerry by a two-to-one margin."
Elsewhere, reacting to the Pope's recent gaffes about Muslims, President Bush said, "I guess I'm the only person left who's infallible."
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& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .
The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.