Pin It
Favorite

Borowitz Report 

By Andy Borowitz & r & & r & Memory Loss Sweeps U.S. Politicians & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & A & lt;/span & n "unprecedented epidemic of memory loss" is afflicting America's politicians, making it virtually impossible for them to remember key phone conversations, meetings, and memos, a spokesman for the world's leading brain scientists said today.





The spokesman, Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo, is one of more than 400 eminent brain scientists who have gathered in Oslo, Norway, this week for a high-level research conference to probe the recent phenomenon of memory loss that has plagued U.S. politicians.





"The question at hand is this: Why are politicians so good at remembering contributors' names and phone numbers but so bad at remembering everything else?" Dr. Kyosuke said.





Over the course of the conference, brain scientists have presented research papers on a variety of subjects related to memory loss, such as former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani's inability to remember a briefing he received about former police commissioner Bernard Kerik's possible ties to organized crime.





"That seems like the sort of thing that a normal human brain would have no difficulty remembering," Dr. Kyosuke said. "What we are learning at this conference is that when it comes to politicians' brains, we have so much more to learn."





On Monday, a full day of the conference was devoted to a paper entitled, "The Neuroscience of Scooter Libby," followed by a keynote address given by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.





While many attendees considered Mr. Gonzales' speech a high point of the conference, the Attorney General offered a different assessment: "I have no recollection of it."





For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out borowitzreport.com.

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Robo-Reporter
  • Robo-Reporter

    Can robots take over local sports coverage?
    • May 20, 2015
  • Dude, Where's My Bike?
  • Dude, Where's My Bike?

    A new tool to protect your bicycle; plus, finding a new police ombudsman
    • May 20, 2015
  • The Contenders
  • The Contenders

    Candidates have filed to run for office in Spokane. Here's what's at stake
    • May 20, 2015
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun | Mon
State of the Spokane River

State of the Spokane River @ REI

Thu., May 28, 7-8:30 p.m.

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • This Old House

    If it could talk, it could tell stories of three generations, along with a lot of griping from neighbors
    • Apr 29, 2015
  • On a Roll

    Just-announced reforms do little to safeguard Spokane against the danger of oil trains
    • May 6, 2015
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

Comment


Briefs


Publisher's Note


marijuana


education


© 2015 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation