Pin It

Borowitz Report 

by ANDY BOROWITZ & r & & r & BOLD NEWS PREDICTIONS FOR 2008 & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & J & lt;/span & anuary: After paying $5 billion for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second Transformers film without a script, just like they did with the first one.

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War." June: Experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."

August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night."

September: At the Republican National Convention, GOP nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the $5 billion cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country."

December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops -- through Iran.

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Fall Out Boys
  • Fall Out Boys

    Mayor David Condon and Chief Frank Straub have parted ways. What that means for the SPD and next month's mayoral election
    • Oct 1, 2015
  • Worked Up
  • Worked Up

    Envision Spokane's new initiative would take the city beyond a $15 minimum wage; businesses say it hurt workers
    • Oct 1, 2015
  • Let It Rain
  • Let It Rain

    The Northwest's drought continues; plus, surprising support for Washington's charter schools
    • Oct 1, 2015
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun | Mon | Tue
Write With Zags

Write With Zags @ Spark Center

Wed., Oct. 7, 3:30-5:30 p.m., Thu., Oct. 8, 3:30-5:30 p.m., Wed., Oct. 14, 3:30-5:30 p.m. and Thu., Oct. 15, 3:30-5:30 p.m.

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by Andy Borowitz


    Rep Joe Wilson (R-SC), tennis legend Serena Williams and recording artist Kanye West held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier this week to kick off the first annual National Outburst Week.
    • Oct 19, 2009
  • Mitt : Perfect-Mormon-Man

    Having been drubbed in two primaries he expected to win, Mitt Romney can't be optimistic about his chances. Mormons are frustrated. One Mormon woman wrote in a letter to the editor: "(He) is the best th
    • Jan 16, 2008
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • Fall Out Boys

    Mayor David Condon and Chief Frank Straub have parted ways. What that means for the SPD and next month's mayoral election
    • Oct 1, 2015
  • The Price of Freedom

    Poor people — some innocent — will languish behind bars before they're convicted. Time inside can cost them jobs, homes and children
    • Sep 9, 2015
  • More »

© 2015 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation