Pin It
Favorite

Borowitz Report 

by ANDY BOROWITZ & r & & r & BOLD NEWS PREDICTIONS FOR 2008 & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & J & lt;/span & anuary: After paying $5 billion for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.





February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.





March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second Transformers film without a script, just like they did with the first one.





April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."





May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War." June: Experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.





July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."





August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night."





September: At the Republican National Convention, GOP nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.





October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.





November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the $5 billion cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country."





December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops -- through Iran.

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • In Defense of Refugees
  • In Defense of Refugees

    In the aftermath of the presidential election, local residents seek ways to love and support their refugee friends
    • Dec 1, 2016
  • No License to Kill
  • No License to Kill

    Task force says officers should be held responsible for police shootings; plus, state auditor clears Spokane Valley firing of city manager
    • Dec 1, 2016
  • Trumped-up Education
  • Trumped-up Education

    Could the President-elect's support of school choice trickle down to Spokane?
    • Dec 1, 2016
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri
Lost Egypt: Ancient Secrets, Modern Science

Lost Egypt: Ancient Secrets, Modern Science @ Northwest Museum of Arts & Culture

Tuesdays-Sundays. Continues through Jan. 6

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by Andy Borowitz

  • JOE WILSON, SERENA AND KANYE KICK OFF OUTBURST WEEK

    Rep Joe Wilson (R-SC), tennis legend Serena Williams and recording artist Kanye West held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier this week to kick off the first annual National Outburst Week.
    • Oct 19, 2009
  • Mitt : Perfect-Mormon-Man

    Having been drubbed in two primaries he expected to win, Mitt Romney can't be optimistic about his chances. Mormons are frustrated. One Mormon woman wrote in a letter to the editor: "(He) is the best th
    • Jan 16, 2008
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • Unfinished Business

    Isaiah Wall wants to get his life on track. But first, he's gotta buy drugs for the police
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • The Scourge of Fake News

    Made-up news stories played a role in the presidential election: Who's to blame?
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

Briefs


green zone


marijuana


trail mix


election 2016


Readers also liked…

  • Hopeless for Heroin
  • Hopeless for Heroin

    As heroin deaths continue to rise in Washington state, what can a parent do to save a child from the depths of addiction?
    • Jul 29, 2015
  • Buzzkill
  • Buzzkill

    Elected officials in Idaho won't mellow the state's pot laws. Can an initiative change that?
    • Apr 22, 2015

© 2016 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation