by ANDY BOROWITZ & r & & r & INFOMERCIAL TO OFFER AMERICANS ROCK-HARD ABS FROM OBAMA & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & A & lt;/span & fter the success of his 30-minute pre-election infomercial, Barack Obama will unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guarantee all Americans "sexy, rock-hard abs," the Obama campaign confirmed today.
While most political insiders assumed that Sen. Obama would use the costly airtime to attempt to "close the deal" with the American people, few saw the promise of a sculpted midsection coming as a follow-up.
"This is an issue that cuts across all voting blocs -- Democrats, Republicans, independents, you name it," said Obama strategist David Axelrod. "Everyone wants well-defined, shredded abs."
In a clip of the infomercial released to the press, Sen. Obama appears in spandex exercise wear and demonstrates his ab-sculpting machine, called the "Obamaciser."
"America, you're probably asking yourselves, 'Can we really have rock-hard abs?'" Sen. Obama says. "Repeat after me: Yes we can."
Elsewhere, just two weeks after his testimony to Congress, former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan said: "To those millions of Americans who have lost their jobs, their homes, and their life savings, let me offer a heartfelt 'Oopsy.'"