Pin It
Favorite

Borowitz Report 

by ANDY BOROWITZ & r & & r & O.J. SIMPSON SEEKS FEDERAL BAILOUT & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & M & lt;/span & inutes after being convicted of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas, former football great O.J. Simpson said he would seek government intervention, claiming that his imprisonment would cost the nation's cable news networks untold billions of dollars.





"My three trials have generated billions of dollars for the cable TV industry, not to mention the tabloids," Mr. Simpson told reporters outside the Las Vegas courthouse. "All those billions go away if I go away."





Mr. Simpson made his case for the government bailing him out of jail, arguing that as long as he is a free man he is likely to become involved in other criminal cases that could generate much-needed television revenue.





"As long as the Juice is loose, there's no telling what trouble I'll get into," he promised. "And that means one thing to the TV networks: cold hard cash."





The former Heisman Trophy winner said that with the nation's economy teetering on recession, the U.S. could ill afford "putting a major financial asset like O.J. Simpson out of circulation."





"You'll see, the cable networks will miss me, and their bottom lines will show it," he said. "They can't keep reporting about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian forever."





At the University of Minnesota's School of Law, professor Davis Logsdon said there is "a valuable lesson to be learned" from Mr. Simpson's conviction: "Apparently, in America it's easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia."

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Rich Man, Poor Men
  • Rich Man, Poor Men

    Can the wealthiest U.S. president ever help the poorest U.S. citizens?
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • La Resistance
  • La Resistance

    Michael Moore, Congressional Democrats and local progressives: How they are resisting Donald Trump's agenda
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • Must-See TV?
  • Must-See TV?

    Alternatives to the inauguration (and how to make watching more fun if you have to)
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Sat | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu
Women's March on Spokane

Women's March on Spokane @ Spokane Convention Center

Sat., Jan. 21, 11 a.m.-4 p.m.

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • One Free Shave

    Donald Trump might have merited a honeymoon with voters had he managed his transition better
    • Dec 29, 2016
  • Positive Protest

    Why peaceful action should be understood as a point of national pride
    • Dec 22, 2016
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

Comment


scandal


scandals


Briefs


marijuana


Readers also liked…

  • Patrolling While Black
  • Patrolling While Black

    Gordon Grant's nearly 30 years as a Spokane cop have been affected by race, but that's not the whole story
    • Jul 8, 2015
  • Hopeless for Heroin
  • Hopeless for Heroin

    As heroin deaths continue to rise in Washington state, what can a parent do to save a child from the depths of addiction?
    • Jul 29, 2015

© 2017 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation