Pin It
Favorite

DVD Review 

by Kevin Taylor & r & & r & The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & S & lt;/span & ometimes a film is so bad you want to get on the horn -- pronto! -- and demand a word-for-word recounting of the pitch meeting where someone decided to bring this jovially insipid movie to life.


How can you mess up The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo? We have an interesting, historical person who essentially walks from Venice to Beijing through a cauldron of drama and culture clash during a bold and vibrant point in history.


Someone -- or a conference call of someones at the pitch meeting -- decided the story still lacked something ... but what? With a dashing "A-ha!" we get wacky misadventures with camels and a muscle-flexing rescue of an anorexic princess from the clutches of Jack Palance, er, Beelzebub, whose evil gang is a cross between Klingons and the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!"


China? The movie never gets to China. Instead of the Silk Road, we get the Polyester Pathway.


We know Ninja Sex Slaves in the Haunted Hills ... of Mars! is a bad movie. Judging by title alone, however, Marco Polo ambushed me. I was thinking bio-pic or historical epic. It's so terrible on so many levels, that it's hard not to like it. We see Oliver Reed -- Oliver Reed! -- leading his camel caravan with a blue and white nylon rope. Warriors brandish cardboard swords painted silver. There is the evil Muslim trader who speaks, by turn, in Italian and Russian accents. The same castle in Scotland is the prison at Genoa and the fabled city of Accra. And it's all unabashedly in the foreground as Don Diamont, a beefcake model who "proves he's more than just a pretty face," keeps asking other characters if they have seen his father. As if Marco Polo needed inner conflict to go to China.


The DVD has almost no special features such as deleted scenes. All the bad ones are in the movie already. There are bios for Reed, Palance, Cas Anvar -- good actors all -- yet we are offered no clue about why they signed on. It couldn't have been the money. We need to get them on the horn. Now!

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Rich Man, Poor Men
  • Rich Man, Poor Men

    Can the wealthiest U.S. president ever help the poorest U.S. citizens?
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • La Résistance
  • La Résistance

    Michael Moore, Congressional Democrats and local progressives: How they are resisting Donald Trump's agenda
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • Must-See TV?
  • Must-See TV?

    Alternatives to the inauguration (and how to make watching more fun if you have to)
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Fri | Sat | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed
Women's March on Spokane

Women's March on Spokane @ Spokane Convention Center

Sat., Jan. 21, 11 a.m.-4 p.m.

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • Thanks, Obama

    The legacy of the 44th President goes far beyond the election of the 45th
    • Dec 29, 2016
  • One Free Shave

    Donald Trump might have merited a honeymoon with voters had he managed his transition better
    • Dec 29, 2016
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

scandal


scandals


Comment


Briefs


green zone


Readers also liked…

  • Hopeless for Heroin
  • Hopeless for Heroin

    As heroin deaths continue to rise in Washington state, what can a parent do to save a child from the depths of addiction?
    • Jul 29, 2015
  • Falsenomics
  • Falsenomics

    Shedding the lies we've heard about the state budget will help make a tough problem more solvable
    • Sep 24, 2015

© 2017 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation