Dear Movie Producer,
I understand that Spokane is essentially the center of the fictional geo-political universe. Or at least that’s what I took away from Red Dawn. I haven’t seen any other movies for a while, so I’ll go ahead and assume that’s where the market is heading. And while I wrote a review about how it was stupid that you didn’t actually make the film in Spokane, don’t worry — I was mostly just mad that I didn’t get to meet Thor.
Anyway, Mr. Producer (sorry, I don’t know your real name — I called your office, but the lady who answered the phone was a real piece of work. It was like she actually didn’t want you to hear about this amazing movie idea), the next big movie set in Spokane is one that’s ripped from the headlines.
Did you know that Spokane is in Washington? Did you know that voters in Washington decided that marijuana is legal and the police in Seattle actually released guidelines so people better enjoy their dope-smoking? It’s like a stoner takeover up here.
But there are freedom fighters among us. Take Spokane Police Chief Frank Straub. He’s been all like, “Wait a second there, Cheech. This city ain’t gonna turn to Woodstock on my watch because the feds have told us that pot is bad. We’re gonna wait this out, until they tell us that pot isn’t bad.”
And this thing has gone global! The head of the United Nations International Narcotics Board says the new law sends the “wrong message” to the rest of the world. Why? Does he really have to explain? Because drugs are bad, even if a majority of people agree through a democratic process that some of them aren’t. It’s quite simple.
So here’s where my movie, Green Dawn, comes in. It’s the future and the bad-ass kids from Red Dawn are back, once again to save Spokane. (You could use that last sentence on the movie poster if you want, but you might have special people who already make posters, so it’s up to you.) But this time, the threat isn’t those dirty commies, but rather marijuana. The city has gone to pot. Even, as it is in real life, the Spokane City Council doesn’t care that weed is legal! The mayor has thrown up his hands, as has the governor and pretty much everyone else in the state. Spokane police have no choice but to ignore the U.N. and let this city turn into nothing but Grateful Dead and Cheez-Its.
So, with the city taken over by marijuana users — many of whom look just like me or you and have families and jobs, which is super scary — our band of young freedom fighters sets to steer Spokane out of the cultural void. They clandestinely smash bongs (it’s a thing you smoke pot out of, I’ve heard) and kick some hippie ass. Led again by Thor (he comes back to life because, as it turns out, he’s actually Thor), our gang of rebels gather attention.
Soon the feds — who were all like, “Who cares. Washington is basically our Canada, let ’em get high” — catch onto what’s happening in Spokane and figure they’ll get in on the action. The president (played by Morgan Freeman, of course), remembering that pot is still a really bad thing, calls in help from the U.N., who in typical U.N. fashion, write a strongly worded letter to the people of Spokane reminding them that pot, in fact, is really, really, really bad.
So then the feds and maybe some troops from NATO (that’s still a thing, right?) parachute into Spokane and take over — with the help of our young, pot-hating heroes. So I guess it’s kind of a reverse Red Dawn, in a way, because in that movie, the people who parachuted in were bad guys. Whatever. This will work.
Anyway, let me know when we can get started on this. Obviously, I’d like a lead role, but as long as I get to blow some stuff up and/or kick some dopers around, I’ll be fine.