For the past five years, television networks have spent hundreds of millions of dollars searching for the next Friends or the next Seinfeld. Even though blockbuster sitcoms usually either grow organically from the stubborn visions of comic geniuses like Larry David or evolve slowly over several seasons through the concerted efforts of talented writers who manage to resist the siren call of mediocrity at every turn, that doesn't stop the networks from chasing down bad shows that look like Will & amp; Grace or Everybody Loves Raymond from a distance, if you squint your eyes a certain way.
Forget that the stars had to align themselves perfectly for these hit shows to come together, forget that they still might have failed without great direction, exceptional casting and a lot of network support, forget that it took a lot of time and patience for them to hit their strides. Yes, it did take time, even for Seinfeld. (Remember when Jerry Seinfeld smiled when he was mad, and it wasn't his trademark yet? The rest of the cast were panicked over it.)
The networks have gone on chasing their tails nonetheless, looking for sitcoms that have shallow similarities to hits instead of locating writers and show-runners with passionate visions and original concepts. Nothing explains the relentless search for imitators of all stripes who, by their very nature, are destined to produce empty, hollowed-out, inorganic comedies in which the story lines are fantastical and the dialogue is muddled by off-topic wisecracking and zany high jinks that an audience of kindergartners would find absurdly unrealistic.
At least this year it looks like the networks have finally given up on reproducing Seinfeld. Gone are the shows about nothing populated by neurotic losers that turned out, not surprisingly, to be not merely worse than Seinfeld but worse than most of the sitcoms ever made. Instead, the powers that be are determined to rehash one or two popular formulas over and over again. Dysfunctional family dynamics and/or wildly selfish characters living in close quarters with their relatives top the list of favorites this fall, followed closely by big-city sophisticates living among zany small-town folk, with 30-somethings tackling sex and other edgy subjects bringing up the rear.
Happy Family (NBC, Tuesdays at 8:30 pm) -- NBC's Happy Family features a couple, played by Christine Baranski and John Larroquette, whose grown children offer three different flavors of Loser. Eldest son Todd (Jeff Davis) is engaged to one woman while sleeping with another; younger son Tim (Tyler Francavilla) is having an affair with the family's next-door neighbor, who's at least 20 years older than him; and daughter Sara (Melanie Paxson) spends all of her free time at her parents' house, whining loudly about the unavailability of eligible men. Thanks to the talents of Baranski and Larroquette, each of whom has a way of squeezing every ounce of comedy out of each line, the show's energy transcends the dead-end nature of its central hook ("Are our kids really this screwed up and if so, did we screw them up?"), which grows old halfway through the second episode. Davis and Francavilla show a lot of comedic promise, but Paxson's character is just barely fleshed out. The story lines here are at least organic -- the comedy arises out of situations, and doesn't depend on smartass remarks to keep it afloat -- which means that Happy Family might eventually evolve into a solid show, although what they'll do with these characters once the flashy mishaps of the first few weeks expire is anybody's guess.
Two and a Half Men (CBS, Mondays at 9:30 pm) -- Alan (John Cryer) is in denial about his marriage falling apart until his wife tells him she's gay (this revelation is the big wacky punch line of the fall season, sadly enough). He considers moving in with his controlling mom, but then his ne'er-do-well bachelor brother (Charlie Sheen) warms up to his lovable smartass kid (Angus T. Jones) and invites them both to live with him. Once the snappy-insult-hurling kid and the uptight, girly-man brother move in, this show should land somewhere between Diff'rent Strokes and The Odd Couple, only it won't be nearly as good as either. Cryer's sort of whiny, Sheen is flatly surly and the kid is unrealistically clever. To be fair, the pilot's not awful, but how many times can the kid help Sheen pick up babes at the supermarket, then beat a bunch of his friends at poker?
Hope & amp; Faith (ABC, Fridays at 9 pm) -- Sure, the mere mention of a "Kelly Ripa vehicle" might drive you to drink, but the millions of viewers who've swooned over this blond baby-making machine for the past two years on Live With Regis and Kelly should be anxiously awaiting the premiere of Hope & amp; Faith. Here's that clashing-sibling thing again: Faith Ford (Murphy Brown) plays the uptight, law-abiding sister (Faith) with the husband and the three cookie-cutter kids, while Ripa plays the slutty actress sister (Hope) with the go-go boots and the heart of gold. Since every sitcom this fall is gunning for "edgy," this essentially dorky show is littered with oddly smutty material that may not play well with the squeaky "Reege" fanatics. Let's take that scene where Ford and Ripa get into a big, messy food fight and Ripa has chocolate sauce smeared all over her cleavage! Visually, the action is just a hair away from that Miller Lite catfight-in-a-pool commercial. Ford has great comic timing, so it's too bad she's playing the straight role here, while Ripa, who looks like an evil doll from some twisted Japanimation, gets most of the punch lines. There are a few laughs, but with the challenge of a Friday night slot, it's tough to have much faith in this gawky sitcom.
The Ortegas (Fox, Sundays at 8:30 pm) -- Just as I've slammed the networks' copycat mentality, along comes The Ortegas, the strangest, most original show around, and I wish I could say that it works, because it would fit my thesis perfectly. Unfortunately, it's just incredibly strange. Alejandro (Al Madrigal) is a guy whose parents bought him a talk-show studio so he could fulfill his dream of becoming a talk-show host. Each guest arrives at the front door and meets his mother (Terri Hoyos), father (Cheech Marin) and grandmother (Renee Victor), then walks through the house to a talk-show set with a live audience. After Mom foists some homemade Mexican food at the guest, Alejandro sits behind the desk, the family sits on a couch onstage and they all fire questions at the guest at once, pausing only to argue among themselves. Mother to guest Howie Mandel: "You are Canadian and you are Jewish. Can you eat Canadian bacon?" After the guests leave, the family discusses how the show went. How did the show go? What kind of show is this? Where am I?
I'm With Her (ABC, Tuesdays at 8:30 pm) -- While we love to say that life imitates art, the sad fact is that crappy art does a bad imitation of life far more often. Based on creator Chris Henchy's real-life marriage to Brooke Shields, I'm With Her explores the awfully taxing business of tagging around with someone who's internationally known and richer than God. Poor little Patrick Owen (David Sutcliffe) is just a humble schoolteacher with a crappy apartment until that fateful day when the dog owned by movie star Alex Young (Teri Polo) bites him on the ass. Suddenly his life is turned upside down by the flash of cameras and the pushy antics of celebrity reporters. Sounds awful, doesn't it? Strangely enough, I'm With Her has its charms. The jokes are reasonably amusing, the story lines are solid and the possibilities seem unlimited, considering the countless absurd real-life situations Henchy can mine for inspiration. True, Patrick's smartass friend Stevie, played by Danny Comden, doesn't bring much to the picnic with his unoriginal "Dude!" routine, but Rhea Seehorn more than makes up for it by stealing every scene as Cheri, Alex's snarky sister. Strong sidekicks are crucial, since Polo and Sutcliffe are both a little bland and play pretty straightforward characters. Still, these two are solid enough actors that the romance between them is actually sort of touching.
Coupling (NBC, Thursdays at 9:30 pm) -- This American version of the popular British show, which was itself a somewhat edgier imitation of Friends, at least promised to transport us far, far away from living room/kitchen combos populated by unhinged families. Too bad we landed smack in the middle of a wasteland of juvenile sex jokes and ridiculous scenarios. While the British Coupling ranges from mildly amusing to irritatingly coy and foolish, NBC's version lingers mostly in the latter realm, offering up plots that are wildly unrealistic and goofily overacted. When Susan (Rena Sofer) shows up for a date with Steve (Jay Harrington), only to find her ex, Jeff (Christopher Moynihan), Steve's ex, Jane (Lindsay Price) and another of her exes, Patrick (Colin Ferguson) -- who's on a date with her best friend, Sally (Sonya Walger) -- what do you suppose happens next? Do you choose: A) Tears, recriminations and bloodshed? Or B) Susan flashes her breast and then they all have dinner together? Suffice it to say you'll be wishing for bloodshed when you see the nonsense that transpires. The steady flow of sex jokes that felt overplayed after the second season of Sex and the City just adds insult to injury. When Jane mentions that she's bisexual to lure Steve back into bed, not only does the humor not transcend the level of a beer commercial, but the "Oh my God, a threesome!" face on Steve isn't just unfunny, it's uncomfortably dumb. But then, how could NBC resist the obvious lure of an imitation of an imitation of Friends?
Married to the Kellys (ABC, Fridays at 8:30 pm) -- This tweaked-out small-town sitcom dares to be truly bizarre. At first glance, this looks like A Minute With Stan Hooper, sans Norm MacDonald. New York novelist Tom (Breckin Meyer) moves to Kansas with his wife Susan (Kiele Sanchez) and is forced to adjust to spending time with his in-laws. Snore. Then we meet the in-laws, a gaggle of Midwestern folks with demeanors and customs that straddle that familiar line between sugary sweet and utterly psychotic. Susan's mom, Sandy (Nancy Lenehan), is warm and friendly with a controlling undercurrent. She welcomes Tom to town by indoctrinating him into her "doghouse system" for publicly shaming family members who let the family down. Mary (Emily Rutherford) is an untapped archetype: a competitive know-it-all sister who takes "game night" a little too seriously. At dinner, the family sings a song about Jesus, then competes to see who can eat the most. The beauty of all this insanity is that it's familiar and feels like real life. Yes, the Kellys are truly disturbing, but you've met them all before. Unlike the vapid, big-spending sister on Arrested Development, the washed-up soap star on Hope & amp; Faith, or the son sleeping with the middle-aged neighbor lady on Happy Family, Married to the Kellys takes real life and exaggerates it just enough, but not too much. The situations are recognizable, so the laughs have more meaning and the characters and story lines have somewhere to go.
Obviously, creating a good sitcom, let alone a hit, is incredibly difficult. When you consider the numbers of comedy writers getting paid ungodly amounts of money to come up with this stuff, when you factor in the importance of good casting, skilled directing and network support, it's actually a miracle to create a show that doesn't stink. From that perspective, there are at least one or two miracles in the lineup this fall.
Words to the wise: Never leave spent bullets lying around, because if a hurricane were to blow through, the winds could hurl a bullet through your neck and kill you. Always keep your dog away from firearms unless you want him to blas