by Inlander Staff & r & & r & I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
Michael Moore's harangues aside, torture movies have turned out to be the most relevant genre of cinema in the age of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. But that might change with the addition of Lindsay Lohan, who undertakes the normally anonymous victim role. In I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan stars as a young girl from a small town who is kidnapped and tortured, then later found with a different personality. Lohan's been box office poison recently thanks to her status as a tabloid treasure, so it's up to an inexperienced director and a first-time writer to reinvent their leading lady. (MD) Rated R
The workaholic, humorless chef (Catherine Zeta-Jones) takes time off to become the guardian of her recently orphaned niece (Abigail Breslin). While she's out, the restaurant hires a happy, freewheeling chef (Aaron Eckhart) to cover for her. When she returns, he stays, and the story turns into a sort of emotional food fight, with him worshipping her, and her despising him. Too many story changes, without any explanations, spoil the broth. And everything comes out just as you think it will. Too cute, too precious, too predictable. (ES) Rated PG
Christian Bale does it again, losing 55 pounds to play an ethereal fighter pilot who is shot down in the secret war in Laos, tortured as a POW, and then leads a doomed escape into the jungle. Director Werner Herzog loves to have his characters go mad in the jungle (Aguirre: Wrath of God, Fitzcarraldo). This is the first time Herzog has a Hollywood budget and actual stars (Bale, Steve Zahn, Jeremy Davis), so of course there's a huge catfight brewing between Herzog acolytes who fear Hollywood will corrupt his genius and Hollywood people who think Herzog's genius will screw up a simple "action vehicle." Look, if it's Werner Herzog and a jungle... (KT) Rated PG-13
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
It's gotta be nice to have a franchise so big you can create a single trailer that shows absolutely nothing, put it in theaters 15 months before a film's release (and on April Fool's Day!), go completely silent for a year and still have people salivating. Of course, the show's writers haven't exactly been doing good by their large and rabid fan base of late. Still, the film seems to have a big scope (nuclear war, y'all) so let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the show has sucked lately because they've been saving like six seasons' worth of good jokes for this film. (LB) Rated PG-13
WHO'S YOUR CADDY?
Outkast, going by his movie-star name Big Boi (as opposed to his real name, Antwan Patton), plays a black rap mogul kept out of a snooty Southern country club by Jeffrey Jones. This could end up being a shallow farce -- Caddyblack -- but the racially tinged setup suggests something that Saturday Night Live or The Daily Show would do if they had edge. Let's see if Big Boi's got some. (MD) Rated PG-13