Pin It

Police Farce 

I got Taser-ed and wore a big red diaper. Am I a cop now?

click to enlarge art14902.jpg

“Sir, you have been pulled over for speeding,” I yell to the guy in the car in front of me. “I need to see your license, registration and proof of insurance!”

Approaching the vehicle, I know something bad is bound to happen. The guy’s dangling his keys out the window, asking if he should throw them at me and is generally acting like a jerk.

“Keep your hands where I can see them,” I tell him, and he jumps out of the car, his gun blazing. My pistol jams and I’m frozen, unable to process what to do next. Until, that is, I hear someone yell, “Run!”

So I do that. And I survived to tell my story.

Most Saturday mornings I’m home in my robe, drinking coffee, reading the Wall Street Journal and listening to NPR’s Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! But this Saturday is not so peaceful. Here I am being shot at, Taser-ed, attacked by a K9 and wearing a giant red diaper at the Spokane Regional Training Center, taking part in the Spokane Police Department’s annual Media Academy.

The point of the whole thing is to teach us media folk (reporters, photographers, etc.) what it’s like to be a cop. Maybe in hopes we’ll be a bit nicer next time we cover an officer-involved “incident.” Maybe.

For instance, here I am with KREM photographer, Al Lozano. We’re “responding” to a home burglary where the assailant could be armed — but, really, we’re in a darkened theater looking at a screen, handling some seriously heavy plastic guns.

The image fades in of a man with his back turned to us, his hands on the back of his head.

My cool-headed partner keeps mum and I start yelling at the man to keep his hands up, don’t move, put that hand back where it was, stop doing that and then, whoops, the guy has pulled a gun out of his pants and is firing at us. We unload on the video image.

Reviewing our response, we’re told we did well. We fired heavily on the body and, when that wasn’t working, moved to the head. Nice shooting.

So far, being a cop isn’t bad. Kinda fun, in fact.

Except, not so fun when Officer Shawn Kendall has me in a lateral vascular neck restraint (something I would call a chokehold if he hadn’t told me not to). My neck is in the crook of his arm — which happens to be thicker than my neck — and with just a bit of tensing, I gag and turn red. And not so fun for KREM reporters Will Pitts, Grace Peña or Dietrich Nissen, whom Kendall is kneeling on top of, hitting with a baton or tossing around the room by just holding a wrist, sequentially.

And not so fun getting Taser-ed.

But really awesome when I pull that jerk over for the second time. Again, I tell him he was speeding, and that I need to see his documents. I barely get this out of my mouth when he pops out his car.

This time, my gun is greased and fully operational. I fire, fire, fire, fire. He’s prone on the concrete before me and I begin to relax when someone yells, “You’re not done yet!”

Catching his drift, I dash over and kick the criminal’s gun out of reach. Scenario complete, I’m a hero.

The jerk stands up, says I did fine, got in a lot of good body shots. The jerk’s actually very pleasant and I thank him and pat him on the shoulder. I walk off, helmet-ed and in a diaper. My work here is done.


  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Bridging the Gap
  • Bridging the Gap

    Bridge Avenue stands as the dividing line between the swanky Kendall Yards and impoverished West Central. Is that about to change?
    • Sep 29, 2016
  • Rematch
  • Rematch

    Once again, Cathy McMorris Rodgers and Joe Pakootas face off for her seat in Congress. Here are some ways they differ
    • Sep 29, 2016
  • Hail to the Chief (Again)
  • Hail to the Chief (Again)

    Craig Meidl again gets the nod from Mayor Condon; plus, a WSU football player in Domino's brawl won't be charged
    • Sep 29, 2016
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Fri | Sat | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed
Spokane Renaissance Faire

Spokane Renaissance Faire @ Lazy K Ranch

Sat., Oct. 1 and Sun., Oct. 2

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by Nicholas Deshais

  • Rehab Reality
  • Rehab Reality

    Toys are stacked on the front porch of the Isabella House, but the kids are nowhere to be seen. Inside the front door and behind a red, velvety curtain in the imposing 113-year-old house on the edge of Coeur d’Alene Park in Browne’s Addition, their playroom is also abandoned.
    • Jun 3, 2013
  • Studying Spokane
  • Studying Spokane

    One third-year med student relishes his time at UW East
    • Apr 2, 2013
  • Ever Ready
  • Ever Ready

    What happens after you dial 911?
    • Apr 2, 2013
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • To Kill the Black Snake

    Historic all-tribes protest at Standing Rock is meant to stop the destruction of the earth for all
    • Sep 8, 2016
  • Murrow's Nightmare

    Debate moderators need to be much more than an onstage prop to make our democracy work
    • Sep 15, 2016
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

election 2016


trail mix

green zone


Readers also liked…

  • Care in Crisis
  • Care in Crisis

    Why did seven psych ward doctors quit their jobs at Sacred Heart?
    • Jun 17, 2015
  • Under the Needle
  • Under the Needle

    For the past quarter-century, Lynn Everson has led a controversial means of making drug users healthier
    • Jun 9, 2016

© 2016 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation