The Borowitz Report

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & U.S. OUTSOURCES HOMELAND SECURITY TO NORTH KOREA & r & Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff raised eyebrows today by announcing that the United States would outsource all of its homeland security operations to a little-known North Korean firm called Jim Kong-Il, Inc.


Coming just days after the controversial decision to allow several major U.S. ports to be run by a company based in the United Arab Emirates, the outsourcing of the nation's homeland security functions to an obscure company based in an Axis of Evil country struck some in Washington as ill-timed at best.


But Mr. Chertoff vigorously defended the decision in a Washington press conference this week, calling Jim Kong-Il, Inc. the right firm for the job, adding, "I looked into the company and it seems OK."


When asked exactly how thoroughly he had vetted the North Korean firm, Mr. Chertoff said, "Well, I mean, I haven't Googled it or anything, but you just have to trust me on this one."


Almost nothing is known about the North Korean company that is about to control the U.S.'s entire homeland security apparatus, nor about its highly reclusive founder, the mercurial Jim Kong-Il. In an official statement released today, Mr. Jim said that his company's first official act on behalf of the U.S. would be to collect all of the nation's nuclear fuel rods.


"It is of utmost importance that America's nuclear fuel rods do not fall into the wrong hands," Mr. Jim's statement read. "Therefore, we will collect all of those fuel rods and ship them to North Korea immediately."


Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted having a beer at lunch before advocating the invasion of Iraq.





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