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The Borowitz Report 

U.S. Issues List of Approved Taunts for Use on Guantanamo Prisoners

by Andy Borowitz

Addressing concerns about the treatment of detainees at the U.S. detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff today announced today that the U.S. was issuing a list of approved taunts for use on all detainees in U.S. custody.

Speaking at a press conference at the Pentagon, Air Force Gen. Richard Myers said that the U.S. military would have "zero tolerance" for religion-based taunting on detainees, adding, "There are so many other things that you can taunt prisoners about."

Gen. Myers said that any guard at Guantanamo who is using religion as the basis of taunts "just isn't using his or her imagination."

The list of approved taunts, compiled by the U.S. military after searching the joke files of insult comics across the country as well as a database of inner-city "snaps" or put-downs, will be issued to all military guards at Guantanamo, effective immediately, Gen. Myers said.

Gen. Myers used part of his press conference to demonstrate how the approved taunts might be used, as he tried out one of his favorite taunts from the list on a subordinate, Air Force Major Hogan Reigert.

"Major Reigert, you are so ugly, if you entered an ugly contest they would say, sorry, no professionals," he said. "Having said that, I want you to know that I respect your religion and your right to practice it."

Elsewhere, a Florida man sued the makers of Viagra for causing him to go blind, claiming that he has been having sex with the wrong person for the past two years.

Publication date: 06/09/05

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