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The Borowitz Report 

Reality Show Producers Facing Shortage of Real People

by Andy Borowitz

Where have all the real people gone? That's the question reality-show producers are asking themselves, as a new study released this week shows the number of real people who have not already appeared on a reality show dropping to dangerously low levels.

The study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota's Reality Institute, has caused alarm in the reality TV community, with producers increasingly fearful that that real people, the bread and butter of the genre, may be becoming an endangered species.

Dr. Colson McLeod, who supervised the study, said that with the proliferation of reality shows on nearly every cable network, it's nearly impossible to find an American who has not already had his home, car or face made over by a team of experts.

"If you take a random sample of 100 Americans, you will find that 85 percent of them have either gotten married, competed for a modeling contract or eaten bug larvae on TV," Dr. McCleod said. "And the rest have sung 'The Wind Beneath My Wings.'"

For reality show producers like Clive Leisen, who is attempting to launch a new program called Trading Medications, the search for real people to serve as contestants has never been a more daunting task.

"I have instructed my staff to conduct a nationwide search for real people," said Mr. Leisen, who also produced the hit series Pimp My Bride. "We are going to look in every state but California."

Elsewhere, park rangers arrested Tom Cruise today after the actor attempted to carve Katie Holmes' face into Mount Rushmore.

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