Pin It
Favorite

The Borowitz Report 

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & BUSH PLAN ALLOWS IMMIGRANTS TO WORK AS SCAPEGOATS & r & Attempting to break the logjam on immigration, President George W. Bush has proposed a new immigration bill that would allow illegal aliens to work as scapegoats for the duration of the 2006 midterm election campaign.


"This bill, if passed into law, would recognize the important role immigrants have traditionally played in America as hard-working, invaluable political scapegoats," Mr. Bush told reporters at a White House briefing.


Under the president's plan, illegal aliens would be given a new status as "guest scapegoats" until Election Day in November 2006, after which they would return to their previous status as "plain old illegal aliens," the president said.


Mr. Bush urged Congress to pass his scapegoat bill, adding, "Illegal aliens are vitally needed to fill the role of scapegoats formerly played by gay married couples during the 2004 election."


According to insiders familiar with the plan, illegal aliens who come forward and identify themselves to the government would be issued official I.D. cards identifying them as scapegoats.


The proposed law offers no medical or Social Security benefits to the so-called guest scapegoats, but it does guarantee them the opportunity to appear in negative political ads throughout the fall.


While the plan was instantly hailed by Republicans in Congress, it drew an unlikely opponent in Baghdad, where Saddam Hussein interrupted his trial with the following outburst: "I am President Bush's scapegoat, and no one can take that away from me!"


Elsewhere, The New England Journal of Medicine reported that a leading cause of injury to infants is Britney Spears.





& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • OK, Hold Your Nose
  • OK, Hold Your Nose

    Everything you need to know before Election Day
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • Base of Support
  • Base of Support

    Polling local leaders and opinion-makers about presidential politics
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • The Messenger
  • The Messenger

    Local leaders weigh in on how Donald Trump's campaign has impacted racism in America
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun | Mon
Bodies Human: Anatomy in Motion

Bodies Human: Anatomy in Motion @ Mobius Science Center

Tuesdays-Sundays. Continues through Dec. 31

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • To Kill the Black Snake

    Historic all-tribes protest at Standing Rock is meant to stop the destruction of the earth for all
    • Sep 8, 2016
  • Murrow's Nightmare

    Debate moderators need to be much more than an onstage prop to make our democracy work
    • Sep 15, 2016
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

election 2016


trail mix


Briefs


green zone


marijuana


Readers also liked…

  • Hopeless for Heroin
  • Hopeless for Heroin

    As heroin deaths continue to rise in Washington state, what can a parent do to save a child from the depths of addiction?
    • Jul 29, 2015
  • Won't Back Down
  • Won't Back Down

    Opponents of the state's new gun background check law are still fighting against it
    • Feb 18, 2015

© 2016 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation