Pin It
Favorite

The Borowitz Report 

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & RETURNED ABRAMOFF DONATIONS NEARLY ERASE THE NATIONAL DEBT & r & Politicians in Washington hurried last week to dump trillions of dollars worth of campaign donations from disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, giving the money to the Treasury Department and all but wiping out the national debt.


Congressmen, senators and other politicians lined up around the block outside the Treasury building to give back their Abramoff riches, many of them carting piles of $100 bills in wheelbarrows.


"We are processing the Abramoff money as quickly as we can," said Donna LeBrock, a window teller at the Treasury Department. "There's just so much more of it than we ever imagined."


The unexpected windfall of tainted cash means that the national debt, long considered an albatross on the U.S. economy, has all but vanished for the first time in the nation's history.


At a press conference at the White House, President Bush said that the sudden influx of returned donations from the disgraced lobbyist was proof that his economic policies were working.


"Our program of receiving tainted political donations and then hurriedly returning them is finally paying off for the American people," Mr. Bush told reporters.


At the Department of Health and Human Services, a spokesman said that some of the newly returned Abramoff cash would go to treat an epidemic of amnesia among politicians in Washington, many of whom can no longer remember meeting, speaking to or having dinner with Jack Abramoff.


Elsewhere, a Marine who was arrested for not going to Vietnam 40 years ago is expected to plead insanity, claiming that he was under the delusion that he was Vice President of the United States.





For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & .

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Pacifying the Future
  • Pacifying the Future

    A local homebuilder has embraced a design strategy that could be the future of buildings
    • Apr 22, 2015
  • Surge Protectors
  • Surge Protectors

    Solar and wind power need batteries to be reliable; Demand Energy's software makes those batteries more efficient
    • Apr 22, 2015
  • Innovation Station
  • Innovation Station

    Toolbox is a space for innovative products to grow
    • Apr 22, 2015
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun
Think & Drink: "Writing in the Margins: Race in Literature"

Think & Drink: "Writing in the Margins: Race in Literature" @ Lindaman's

Tue., April 28, 7:30-9:30 p.m.

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • Restore the Honesty

    Re-establishing trust with the public will require courage on the part of our elected officials
    • Apr 8, 2015
  • Don't Test Me

    The Smarter Balanced standardized test has sparked a rebellion in Western Washington — and it's spreading
    • Apr 15, 2015
  • More »

© 2015 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation