Pin It
Favorite

The Borowitz Report 

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & U.S. OUTSOURCES HOMELAND SECURITY TO NORTH KOREA & r & Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff raised eyebrows today by announcing that the United States would outsource all of its homeland security operations to a little-known North Korean firm called Jim Kong-Il, Inc.


Coming just days after the controversial decision to allow several major U.S. ports to be run by a company based in the United Arab Emirates, the outsourcing of the nation's homeland security functions to an obscure company based in an Axis of Evil country struck some in Washington as ill-timed at best.


But Mr. Chertoff vigorously defended the decision in a Washington press conference this week, calling Jim Kong-Il, Inc. the right firm for the job, adding, "I looked into the company and it seems OK."


When asked exactly how thoroughly he had vetted the North Korean firm, Mr. Chertoff said, "Well, I mean, I haven't Googled it or anything, but you just have to trust me on this one."


Almost nothing is known about the North Korean company that is about to control the U.S.'s entire homeland security apparatus, nor about its highly reclusive founder, the mercurial Jim Kong-Il. In an official statement released today, Mr. Jim said that his company's first official act on behalf of the U.S. would be to collect all of the nation's nuclear fuel rods.


"It is of utmost importance that America's nuclear fuel rods do not fall into the wrong hands," Mr. Jim's statement read. "Therefore, we will collect all of those fuel rods and ship them to North Korea immediately."


Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted having a beer at lunch before advocating the invasion of Iraq.





& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • Won't You Be Our Neighbor?
  • Won't You Be Our Neighbor?

    The people, places and moments that defined and shaped the Inland Northwest's distinct neighborhoods
    • Jul 28, 2016
  • NORTH HILL
  • NORTH HILL

    An influx of creativity and businesses has this Northside neighborhood looking good
    • Jul 28, 2016
  • LATAH / HANGMAN VALLEY
  • LATAH / HANGMAN VALLEY

    Two names and a community bridging new and old
    • Jul 28, 2016
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat
Spike & Dig

Spike & Dig @ Dwight Merkel Sports Complex

Through July 31

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • Lane Ends Ahead

    Spokane wants to improve a mile-long section of Monroe — but that means taking away two lanes
    • Jul 7, 2016
  • #BlackLivesMatter is Everyone

    All mothers deserve to know that their innocent children will not die at the hands of law enforcement
    • Jul 14, 2016
  • More »

Readers also liked…

© 2016 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation