Pin It
Favorite

The Borowitz Report 

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & GOLD DIGGERS, GIGOLOS RALLY IN SUPPORT OF ANNA NICOLE & r & As Anna Nicole Smith brought her claim for the fortune of her late husband, Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall II, to the United States Supreme Court last week, a broad-based coalition of gold diggers and gigolos marched on Washington to show their support for the former Playboy playmate.


The National Association of Gold Diggers and Gigolos, an organization that boasts a membership of more than 50,000, organized a rally to demonstrate their solidarity with one of their most celebrated peers.


Ms. Smith's quest for her fair share of Mr. Marshall's billions might not seem like a popular cause, but to the hundreds of gold diggers and gigolos who appeared on the steps of the nation's highest court today, it's a matter of survival.


Cristall Klujian, a former stripper who now works as a full-time gold digger, says that the Smith case "could very well determine whether gold digging is a viable occupation in the United States of America.


"To the outside world, being a gold digger may seem like easy money," Ms. Klujian added. "I can tell you, as someone who has gone on vacations with wealthy boyfriends and laughed at their jokes, this is hard work."


Davis Logsdon, a former exotic dancer who has worked as a gigolo for the past 10 years, echoed Ms. Klujian's sentiments: "If the United States Supreme Court does not stand up for the rights of American gigolos, we may see our jobs continue to be outsourced to France."


Elsewhere, in the aftermath of the Dick Cheney hunting accident and the Dubai ports deal, the White House announced a one-day moratorium on doing anything idiotic.





& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • In Their Best Interest
  • In Their Best Interest

    Why many neglected kids don't have legal representation for critical decisions that could dictate their future
    • Feb 23, 2017
  • 'Right Side of History'
  • 'Right Side of History'

    The Washington Supreme Court rules against Arlene's Flowers; plus, two dogs call it a day
    • Feb 23, 2017
  • Frozen Out
  • Frozen Out

    In the middle of a chaotic winter, the city of Spokane ousted its veteran street director, but won't give an explanation to the city council
    • Feb 23, 2017
  • More »

Readers also liked…

  • Patrolling While Black
  • Patrolling While Black

    Gordon Grant's nearly 30 years as a Spokane cop have been affected by race, but that's not the whole story
    • Jul 8, 2015
  • Shake Down
  • Shake Down

    When an earthquake rocks Western WA, what will happen in the Inland Northwest?
    • Jul 22, 2015
  • Hopeless for Heroin
  • Hopeless for Heroin

    As heroin deaths continue to rise in Washington state, what can a parent do to save a child from the depths of addiction?
    • Jul 29, 2015

Comments


Comments are closed.

Today | Fri | Sat | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed
Mammoths & Mastodons: Titans of the Ice Age

Mammoths & Mastodons: Titans of the Ice Age @ Northwest Museum of Arts & Culture

Tuesdays-Sundays. Continues through May 7

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by n/a

  • Iron Upgrade
  • Iron Upgrade

    The new one is smart and funny and action-packed, and it’s bigger and better and sleeker. And Downey does it again, this time ramping up Stark’s arrogant wisecracking, telling anyone who’ll listen (mostly women) that, via the creation of his powerful Iron Man suit, he’s brought years of uninterrupted peace to the world.
    • May 12, 2010
  • Seeing Gay
  • Seeing Gay

    A festival showing GLBT from all angles
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • Get Out the Vote
  • Get Out the Vote

    With all the uncertainty in the world these days, hot wings and cold beer are two things we can get behind
    • Nov 9, 2009
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • We Have Not Yet Begun to Fight

    Why we're filling the streets to protest Trump's inhumane, dangerous policies
    • Feb 2, 2017
  • Obscene Gestures

    Spokane political party leaders hope to harness post-election passion into civil discourse. But so far, there's only been more strife
    • Feb 9, 2017
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

Briefs


green zone


marijuana


Comment


do something


Readers also liked…

  • Patrolling While Black
  • Patrolling While Black

    Gordon Grant's nearly 30 years as a Spokane cop have been affected by race, but that's not the whole story
    • Jul 8, 2015
  • Hopeless for Heroin
  • Hopeless for Heroin

    As heroin deaths continue to rise in Washington state, what can a parent do to save a child from the depths of addiction?
    • Jul 29, 2015
  • Manufacturing Fear
  • Manufacturing Fear

    Spokane's Republican sheriff says members of his own party are dangerously dividing people
    • Aug 12, 2015

© 2017 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation