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by Howie Stalwick & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & B & lt;/span & aseball is a funny game, and the people in baseball wouldn't have it any other way. Historically, baseball players, managers and coaches have provided some of the best quips, zingers and gags in the sports world. Following is the official, certified, unquestioned top 20 list of the funniest baseball quotes of all time -- give or take a few dozen.





& lt;ol & & lt;li & Don Drysdale, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher, after the team plane was forced to make an emergency landing: "There wasn't too much of a delay. We only had to change a spark plug and 30 pairs of shorts." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Rocky Bridges, minor league manager (now retired and living in Coeur d'Alene), on his new diet: "You mix two jiggers of Scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Yogi Berra, Hall of Famer, after a Jewish man was elected mayor in Dublin, Ireland: "Only in America can a thing like this happen." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Jim Gantner, Milwaukee Brewers (and former Spokane Indians) infielder, looking back on the off-season: "We went on a hunting trip to one of those Canadian proverbs." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Joe Klein, Texas Rangers general manager, after country singer Charley Pride struck out twice while switch-hitting in an exhibition game: "Charley showed us he could hit three ways -- left, right and seldom." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Mookie Wilson, New York Mets outfielder, explaining why he got married at a ballpark: "My wife wanted a big diamond." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Keith Olbermann, ESPN sportscaster, describing a double play: "That play went 5-4-3 if you're scoring at home -- or even if you're watching by yourself." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Gary Gaetti, Minnesota Twins third baseman, asked why he no longer has a mustache: "I still have it. I just keep it shaved." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Jim Leyland, Pittsburgh Pirates manager, describing his mixed emotions when coach Gene Lamont left the Pirates to manage the Chicago White Sox: "It's like watching your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new Cadillac." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Yogi Berra, Hall of Famer, asked if nude fans who ran across the field were men or women: "I don't know. They had bags over their heads." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Bob Patterson, Chicago Cubs pitcher, describing the pitch he threw that was hit for a home run: "It was a cross between a changeup and a screwball. It was a screw-up." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Jeff Stone, journeyman outfielder, explaining why he didn't bring his television back from Venezuela: "It only gets Spanish stations." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Gates Brown, Detroit Tigers outfielder, reflecting on his high school days: "I took a little English, a little math, some science, a few hubcaps and some wheel covers." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Tug McGraw, relief pitcher, asked whether he prefers grass or AstroTurf: "I don't know. I've never smoked AstroTurf." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Kent Biggerstaff, Pittsburgh Pirates trainer, after chunky pitcher Rick Reuschel gained four pounds: "That's like putting one more suitcase on the Queen Mary." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Bob Uecker, journeyman catcher: "I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time, because we didn't have that kind of dough to pay out, but eventually we scraped it up." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Mike Newman, New York Yankees executive, on the pressure of playing in New York: "It's full of people who stand in front of microwaves and yell, 'Hurry!'" & lt;/li & & lt;li & Dick Pole, Chicago Cubs coach, asked what people do back home in chilly northern Michigan in the summer: "If it falls on a Saturday, we have a picnic." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Ron Fairly, broadcaster (prior to his current job with the Seattle Mariners): "Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating." & lt;/li & & lt;li & George Brett, Kansas City Royals third baseman (and part-owner of the Spokane Indians), protesting when a friend asked him for his old bats: "These things don't grow on trees." & lt;/li & & lt;/ol &


& lt;ol & & lt;li & Don Drysdale, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher, after the team plane was forced to make an emergency landing: "There wasn't too much of a delay. We only had to change a spark plug and 30 pairs of shorts." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Rocky Bridges, minor league manager (now retired and living in Coeur d'Alene), on his new diet: "You mix two jiggers of Scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Yogi Berra, Hall of Famer, after a Jewish man was elected mayor in Dublin, Ireland: "Only in America can a thing like this happen." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Jim Gantner, Milwaukee Brewers (and former Spokane Indians) infielder, looking back on the off-season: "We went on a hunting trip to one of those Canadian proverbs." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Joe Klein, Texas Rangers general manager, after country singer Charley Pride struck out twice while switch-hitting in an exhibition game: "Charley showed us he could hit three ways -- left, right and seldom." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Mookie Wilson, New York Mets outfielder, explaining why he got married at a ballpark: "My wife wanted a big diamond." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Keith Olbermann, ESPN sportscaster, describing a double play: "That play went 5-4-3 if you're scoring at home -- or even if you're watching by yourself." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Gary Gaetti, Minnesota Twins third baseman, asked why he no longer has a mustache: "I still have it. I just keep it shaved." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Jim Leyland, Pittsburgh Pirates manager, describing his mixed emotions when coach Gene Lamont left the Pirates to manage the Chicago White Sox: "It's like watching your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new Cadillac." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Yogi Berra, Hall of Famer, asked if nude fans who ran across the field were men or women: "I don't know. They had bags over their heads." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Bob Patterson, Chicago Cubs pitcher, describing the pitch he threw that was hit for a home run: "It was a cross between a changeup and a screwball. It was a screw-up." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Jeff Stone, journeyman outfielder, explaining why he didn't bring his television back from Venezuela: "It only gets Spanish stations." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Gates Brown, Detroit Tigers outfielder, reflecting on his high school days: "I took a little English, a little math, some science, a few hubcaps and some wheel covers." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Tug McGraw, relief pitcher, asked whether he prefers grass or AstroTurf: "I don't know. I've never smoked AstroTurf." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Kent Biggerstaff, Pittsburgh Pirates trainer, after chunky pitcher Rick Reuschel gained four pounds: "That's like putting one more suitcase on the Queen Mary." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Bob Uecker, journeyman catcher: "I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time, because we didn't have that kind of dough to pay out, but eventually we scraped it up." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Mike Newman, New York Yankees executive, on the pressure of playing in New York: "It's full of people who stand in front of microwaves and yell, 'Hurry!'" & lt;/li & & lt;li & Dick Pole, Chicago Cubs coach, asked what people do back home in chilly northern Michigan in the summer: "If it falls on a Saturday, we have a picnic." & lt;/li & & lt;li & Ron Fairly, broadcaster (prior to his current job with the Seattle Mariners): "Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating." & lt;/li & & lt;li & George Brett, Kansas City Royals third baseman (and part-owner of the Spokane Indians), protesting when a friend asked him for his old bats: "These things don't grow on trees." & lt;/li & & lt;/ol &

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