Pin It

This Will Absolutely Happen 

Local nerds share their plans for the zombie apocalypse.

click to enlarge art16843.jpg

In honor of SpoCon’s panel dubbed “When the S*** Hits the Fan” — essentially a fantasy baseball draft for zombie apocalypse nerds — The Inlander has asked members of Spokane’s geek elite one of life’s most important questions:

In the case of zombie apocalypse, what would be your ideal shelter and weapon, and who would be your ideal comrades?

BEN GARROD Owner, Board Game Nation

Shelter: Top of a water tower
Weapon: Shotgun, longbarrel
Two comrades: Chuck Norris (for obvious reasons) and Jesus (he might be able to fend them off).

CRAIG BARNETT Owner, The Comic Book Shop

Shelter: Produce stand, because there would be nothing for them to eat. Zombies hate vegetables.
Weapon: M240 machine gun, because it can take out everything.
Two comrades: Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China and Ash from Evil Dead ... post-op, of course.

WES PATTERSON Manager, Uncles Games

Shelter: Uncles [Games] — we know it better than any other place.
Weapon: Bar stool
Two comrades: Two of my employees: Jesse Harkins, because he’s brave, noble, and can kick a zombie’s butt; and Andrew Burns, because even if we’re dying, he’s funny enough that we would die laughing.

ANDY DINNISON Owner, Boo Radley’s

Shelter: Boo Radley’s, of course. We’ve got all those zombie survival books.
Weapon: Being faster than the other guy is all that matters.
Two comrades: Ex-mayor Ron Bair, because when St. Helens erupted, he put on a safari suit — he has class during a tragedy. And Mr. Rogers — I hear he’s an amazing sniper.

JOHN WAITE Owner, Merlyn’s

Shelter: One of the second-story buildings downtown. Above ground is very important.
Weapon: An axe. It’s a renewable resource.
Two comrades: The Rock and Vin Diesel. Enough said.


Shelter: The mall. It has a lot of open areas, and stores with enough products to help you out.
Weapon: Rifle
Two comrades: They have to be trustworthy, good under fire. Harrison Ford and Mr. Rogers (he’ll lighten the mood).

TROY ALDRICH Owner, Fusion Odessey

Shelter: Gonzaga. Lots of buildings that can be easily fortified, and plenty of chairs that can be broken down for weapons.
Weapon: My dachsunds. They’d take the zombies out at the ankles.
Two comrades: Simon Pegg, of course, but not Nick Frost. Peewee Herman, because he’s a loose cannon. Just look at Blow or the original Buffy ... the guy has depth, and he’s a bit crazy.

ROB PAINE Supernerd, Operator of Fetts blog

Shelter: Costco. No windows, easily fortified gate, good roof for scouting, plenty of supplies, big freezer to imprison unruly survivors, and you can repair vehicles in the tire shop.
Weapon: Samurai sword. It’s lightweight and good for defending hordes at an arm’s-length distance. It chops heads off nice and quickly, yet it’s silent, so as to not attract attention, and won’t run out of ammo.
Two comrades: Nicolas Cage. He’s got enough gusto, guts, and craziness to build an army. And Bear Grylls, because he can help us survive in the wilderness in case we have to leave Costco. Though I reserve the right to change him to Paula Deen in case holing up at Costco is still doable.

  • Pin It

Latest in Arts & Culture

  • Off to Camp
  • Off to Camp

    A bunch of creative adults camped out on Lake Coeur d'Alene, making art and refreshing their thinking
    • Aug 26, 2015
  • Answering the Call
  • Answering the Call

    An unlikely romance leads to an inspired Spokane-Rwanda connection
    • Aug 26, 2015
  • TV | Fear The Walking Dead
  • TV | Fear The Walking Dead

    Will the spin-off be more zombie porn, or something more thoughtful?
    • Aug 26, 2015
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun
Pig Out in the Park

Pig Out in the Park @ Riverfront Park

Sept. 2-7

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by Ethan Wolcott

  • Film Mitzvah
  • Film Mitzvah

    We command you to attend the Jewish Cultural Film Festival.
    • Mar 14, 2012
  • Arts Happenings in December
  • Arts Happenings in December

    The Nutcracker, Young Frankenstein, the Small Works Invitational and more.
    • Sep 21, 2011
  • Arts Happenings in October
  • Arts Happenings in October

    Horse Thieves, Blue Scholars, Cokie Roberts, Terrain, Need | Want, and more.
    • Sep 21, 2011
  • More »

Most Commented On

© 2015 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation