In honor of SpoCon’s panel dubbed “When the S*** Hits the Fan” — essentially a fantasy baseball draft for zombie apocalypse nerds — The Inlander has asked members of Spokane’s geek elite one of life’s most important questions:
In the case of zombie apocalypse, what would be your ideal shelter and weapon, and who would be your ideal comrades?
BEN GARROD Owner, Board Game Nation
Shelter: Top of a water tower
Weapon: Shotgun, longbarrel
Two comrades: Chuck Norris (for obvious reasons) and Jesus (he might be able to fend them off).
CRAIG BARNETT Owner, The Comic Book Shop
Shelter: Produce stand, because there would be nothing for them to eat. Zombies hate vegetables.
Weapon: M240 machine gun, because it can take out everything.
Two comrades: Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China and Ash from Evil Dead ... post-op, of course.
WES PATTERSON Manager, Uncles Games
Shelter: Uncles [Games] — we know it better than any other place.
Weapon: Bar stool
Two comrades: Two of my employees: Jesse Harkins, because he’s brave, noble, and can kick a zombie’s butt; and Andrew Burns, because even if we’re dying, he’s funny enough that we would die laughing.
ANDY DINNISON Owner, Boo Radley’s
Shelter: Boo Radley’s, of course. We’ve got all those zombie survival books.
Weapon: Being faster than the other guy is all that matters.
Two comrades: Ex-mayor Ron Bair, because when St. Helens erupted, he put on a safari suit — he has class during a tragedy. And Mr. Rogers — I hear he’s an amazing sniper.
JOHN WAITE Owner, Merlyn’s
Shelter: One of the second-story buildings downtown. Above ground is very important.
Weapon: An axe. It’s a renewable resource.
Two comrades: The Rock and Vin Diesel. Enough said.
BRAD HOBSON HobbyTown USA
Shelter: The mall. It has a lot of open areas, and stores with enough products to help you out.
Two comrades: They have to be trustworthy, good under fire. Harrison Ford and Mr. Rogers (he’ll lighten the mood).
TROY ALDRICH Owner, Fusion Odessey
Shelter: Gonzaga. Lots of buildings that can be easily fortified, and plenty of chairs that can be broken down for weapons.
Weapon: My dachsunds. They’d take the zombies out at the ankles.
Two comrades: Simon Pegg, of course, but not Nick Frost. Peewee Herman, because he’s a loose cannon. Just look at Blow or the original Buffy ... the guy has depth, and he’s a bit crazy.
ROB PAINE Supernerd, Operator of Fetts blog
Shelter: Costco. No windows, easily fortified gate, good roof for scouting, plenty of supplies, big freezer to imprison unruly survivors, and you can repair vehicles in the tire shop.
Weapon: Samurai sword. It’s lightweight and good for defending hordes at an arm’s-length distance. It chops heads off nice and quickly, yet it’s silent, so as to not attract attention, and won’t run out of ammo.
Two comrades: Nicolas Cage. He’s got enough gusto, guts, and craziness to build an army. And Bear Grylls, because he can help us survive in the wilderness in case we have to leave Costco. Though I reserve the right to change him to Paula Deen in case holing up at Costco is still doable.