I smell blooms opening in my wake before
I can see them I squint
peeking from between splayed fingers sun
rendering them red transparent for a moment blood
visible beneath
skin the flesh just flesh again not
girl not goddess
(my name was once maiden) just meat
kneeling down to pick a flower fist
wrapped tight around
the stem a violent pull then it is no longer of the earth
petal by petal I rip it apart shove
a ruby handful into my aching
mouth how I ate of the
land of the dead now I eat of the land of the living
to make the sunshine last
just a moment longer maybe not the spring itself not
physical warmth but the way it makes me feel
embraced held I choke them down
to be loved by a god is to be divine
it is still
not enough never enough never enough
emptiness tells me to be loved half a year feels like the same
thing as being loved with half a heart even if it
is not I know I know I am loved
I am still forcing down flowers chewing and
dreaming that this is finally how to
make myself feel whole
Jazlyn Jacobs is a Jewish-American poet, an Evergreen State College alumni, and was a member of the 2013 Spokane National Poetry slam team. She is currently working on a poetry collection to self-publish.