According to Family Guy's ever-reliable patriarch, Peter Griffin, "Ireland has more drunks per capita than people." If the habits of St. Patrick's Day revelers are any indication, this stereotype (truism?) isn't going away anytime soon. The fact that most revelers probably aren't Irish is proof that, while America doesn't need an excuse to get kinda drunk, we still hang our true debaucheries on disgraceful ethnic stereotypes. (See also: Cinco de Mayo.)
But hey, as long as that's where the party bus is headed, we thought we'd help you personify the drunken Irishman (or -woman) in as musically satisfying a way as possible. In no particular order, here are Saturday night's featured acts.
THE BLVD | The Creeps, Deadones USA, Scatterbox, Starting Over
These four local punk outfits are assembling for a night of moshing and animosity. Why not celebrate Irish punk predecessors (the Dropkick Murphys, the Pogues, Flogging Molly, etc.) by rallying behind our local punk torchbearers at a bar-and-barbecue joint? 9 pm | 21
GERMAN-AMERICAN SOCIETY | Lucky Breaks 2: Psidream, 1200x2, LeoZ, Jeremy Sparks, Crave, Marble, Muchee, Snuggs & amp; Differential, MC Chynky, MC Sake 1
A million DJs and emcees on two stages in the German-American Society on St. Paddy's? That's diversity, kid. Hosted by Sake 1. 25 W Third Ave. | 8 pm | $13; $15, at the door
EMPYREAN | Hockey, Karli Fairbanks
Hockey's musical influences span genres including but not limited to rock, afro-pop, R & B, funk and hip-hop. Although this performance is dubbed by the venue and by Hockey itself as a "dance party," the accompaniment of acoustic folk musician Fairbanks makes us think that the band has a few tricks up its sleeve. 9 pm | All ages
THE GRAIL | Iron Maidens
The word "iron" is part of the word "ironic," and the idea of an all-female Iron Maiden tribute band exemplifies the concept of irony -- most people not associating femininity with all that is evil, hellish and destructive. (That is, besides the feelings that ex-boyfriends have post break-up.) If the irony of this band doesn't ensnare you, their theatricality, talent and good looks will. 6 pm | 21
BIG AL'S | Jim Huntsman Band CD release
Although Big Al's is a country club, and the Jim Huntsman Band has a distinct country sound, the group is influenced by bluegrass and rock. Expect to hear cuts from the eclectic band's new album, which, with the luck of the Irish, will be a good one. 9 pm | 21
CATERINA | Mark Ward, Dave Hannon, David Boone
If you desire less rowdy, more serene musical accompaniment, then these singer/songwriters will fit the bill. Each will be performing his individual brand of acoustic rock and/or folk. Come, relax and imagine you're in a field of shamrocks. $5 | 8 pm | All ages
NEW GROOVE | Merrick Diaries, Laodecia, Tempus Fugit
Celebrate St. Patrick's Day with some good, old-fashioned head banging. The (seemingly seasonal) grand re-opening of the New Groove in Hillyard will feature performances by three of Spokane's heavy underground metal troupes. $5 | 6:30 pm | All ages
THE SPREAD | Milonga
At the heart of Milonga's musical passion are two things: 1) a celebration of Latino cultural awareness and 2) partying. Indeed, the name itself translates (roughly) from Spanish as "party and dance." While the island of Ireland is far away from Latin America, St. Patrick's Day is nothing if not a celebration of those two things. It's a small world after all. $5 | 9 pm | 21
INB CENTER | Music of Andrew Lloyd Webber
For a more relaxing yet dulcetly stimulating night, the Spokane Symphony will be performing highlights from the musical theater composer's vast cache. Expect to hear the sounds of Evita, The Phantom of the Opera, Cats and others. Just don't tell people he's English. $17-$39 | 8 pm | All ages
O'DOHERTY'S | General Irishness
This popular and traditional St. Patrick's Day destination is awash with festivities, including Irish music all day from Celtic band Free Whiskey and rebel-rousers Red Hugh. There'll be bagpipes at 9 pm and a DJ 'til close. Green beer, Irish drafts, and corned beef are also a must. Just come early or be prepared to wait in line! Coming early won't be hard -- they'll be open before most of you wake up. 9 am to close | 21
PJ's PUB | Rain City Shwillers, Lack of Respect, the Sex Cells
Seattle's aptly named Rain City Shwillers roll through town to perform their "punk rock for switchblade-carryin' delinquents." Sounds like someone you could encounter in a back alley of Irish-bred south Boston. Good Will Hunting, anyone? 9 pm | 21
SLAB INN | Sammy Eubanks Band, Steve Starkey
Blues/country musician Eubanks will be offering a thoroughly American sound to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, but there's no hurt in drinking to that. America was built on the backs of Irish labor, so it's kind-of a tribute. 9 pm | 21
BLUE SPARK | Shea Tea Folkn' Irish Band
Local Irish tunes and a wide array of beers on tap epitomizes the typical American take on Irish pub night. All it needs is you screaming for "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" and "Where the Streets Have No Name." 9 pm | 21
O'SHAY'S | St. Joseph's Pipe and Drum Corps
Coeur d'Alene's "first and only true Irish pub" will be presenting quite a spectacle in its restaurant, bar and beer garden. Watch as the marching band performs Irish tunes while storming through the building and subsequently gathering in the beer garden. Then grab some giveaways as you down Irish car bombs. Bring the family before 9 pm for traditional Irish food -- and then, if you're over 21, stick around for a night of Irish revelry around the bonfire. Performances at 5 pm and 9 pm.
MOOTSY'S | Foxxy Moron Movie Night
Classifying art enclave Foxxy Moron is nearly impossible, so let's just hint at what's in store for their movie night: Local artists and musicians (hopefully costumed and going by their pseudonyms) will be presenting their short films and music videos. One of these is a horror film that transpires at Mootsy's itself. Expect to be simultaneously entertained, surprised and mystified. 9 pm | 21