Merry Christmas from the Wankers

by Inlander Staff


As I write this, the snow is falling and the smell of fresh-baked apple pie fills the Wanker home. (Made from scratch -- you all know how I feel about store-bought pie!) The stockings are all hung by the chimney with care, and even Mr. Scruffy is on his best behavior. I was skeptical, but that Puppy Prozac really works! It's hard to believe Brittany and Jason aren't in diapers anymore, but the rumors are true -- they've grown up into such delightful, upstanding young people that Frank and I are just bursting our buttons.


Brittany is just as popular as ever. She has a job at some place called "Showgirls," and it's so cute how she won't let Frank and I come see her at work. I don't know much about it, but it sounds like one of those car-themed diners near the state line. And my goodness, can that girl go through the glitter! I'm always cleaning glitter out of the sink, the tub...


We don't see much of little Jason -- he says he wants to be an organic farmer when he grows up. He's got quite the growing operation set up down in the basement, complete with giant lights. He says after he learns how to grow ferns really well, he'll move on to vegetables. I say the vegetables can wait, because those ferns smell soooo good. Sometimes I just go down there just to smell them. Mmmm. I guess being close to nature like that relaxes me -- I can see why Jason wants to be a farmer!


Although we are so grateful for our blessings, we Wankers are no strangers to adversity, that's for sure. Now that our lawyers have terminated that contract Frank signed -- the lawyers called it a multi-layer marketing scheme, whatever that means -- our finances are looking up. I can't say too much right now, but maybe next year I can share a big secret with you. Let's just say that Frank has been selected to join an exciting new business venture with a former official of the Nigerian government. It's almost too good to be true. Cross your fingers -- this could be our big break!


Unfortunately, our troubles with our neighbors the Henleys continue. I've asked Mrs. Henley time and again to keep their black Lab from doing his business in our yard. But does she listen? I get about as much response as I did when I asked them to please move the couch off their front porch, or when I suggested that their weed-infested lawn was bringing down the property values of the entire neighborhood. So unpleasant, those Henleys.


At least our trip to the Grand Canyon was fun. Did you know you can hike all the way down in there? Getting out's the tricky part. After about 20 yards going uphill, Frank sat on a rock all huffing and puffing. What a kidder! He'll do anything to get out of a little exercise. Still, the helicopter ride out was a lot of fun.


On our way back, we stopped in Las Vegas. Boy, those casinos are huge! Frank went to get some chips, and I never saw him until the next morning! He said we had to leave right away, that he'd forgotten about a meeting he had at work. I call him the absent-minded professor! I had fun -- those slot machines are just super! I probably spent more than I should have, but we can refill Jason's college fund later.


Well, I'd better hurry up and get this in the mail. Stop by and see our light display if you can. Frank bought a new baby Jesus; it's 20 feet tall and lights up. We are so blessed!





Publication date: 12/11/03