Biden will challenge Trump to fight by the flagpole after school, and 24 other extremely unlikely debate predictions

Tonight is a long-anticipated first of three general election debates in the 2020 presidential race, this one moderated by Fox News' Chris Wallace. Already there's been the usual stream of absurd conspiracy theories.

There's also been a lot of speculation about what will happen: Will Trump say something that, upon further reflection and research, turns out to not be, actually, when it comes right down to it, "true"? Will Biden go on a 15-minute tangent about a time that, he claims, he, Corn Pop, and Sen. Strom Thurmond took an epic cross-country road trip to Coachella?

Will Trump fulfill one of his campaign promises by shooting someone in the audience and not lose any voters? Will it seem like Biden has the entire debate won until Trump reaches over and crushes Biden's head like a grape?

With all those crazy predictions out there, we thought we'd add a few predictions of our own. Are these likely to happen? Absolutely not.

1. Instead of fact-checking the candidates from the stage, Fox News reporter Chris Wallace will announce to the American people that the debate is a "show where everything's made up and the points don't matter."

2. Asked if he'll pack the Supreme Court, Biden will just bat his eyelashes and say, "Tee hee hee, I'll never tell." Trump will respond by saying that "those black dresses the judges wear or whatever — disgusting. Just nasty, nasty stuff."

3. Trump will accuse Biden of being a "Fake Catholic, just like the Pope."

4. Asked about the United States nuclear arsenal, Trump will assure the audience that "I already did it 35 minutes ago."

5. In a message that some observers worry could be read as supportive of the bizarre QAnon conspiracy theory, Trump will say, "I support the bizarre QAnon conspiracy theory."

6. Surely I say to you, Biden will deny Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez three times before the cock crows.

7. Asked what they would say to the children who may be watching, Trump will regale them with a nostalgic yarn about a crazy orgy on a yacht filled with "mostly 10s, some 9s — a few 7s — but almost all 10s." Biden will start his answer with, "Listen here, you little shits..."

8. Trump will put to rest accusations of anti-Black racism by announcing that he knows "a few good ones."

9. Biden will finally give an unequivocal condemnation of the Zoot Suit Riots.

10. Biden will spend a suspicious amount of time promoting the "great taste" and "on-the-go boosted power" of Monster Energy drinks.

11. Trump will try to get in Biden's head by bringing out a series of shocking special guests including Monica Lewinsky, professional wrestling legend Shockmaster, a super creepy ventriloquist dummy, a live vat of shrieking eels, and Hunter Biden.

12. Chris Wallace's one climate-related question will be "Did you guys ever see the Day After Tomorrow? That was crazy, huh? With the wolves and everything?"

13. Biden will wear an earpiece, but only so he can listen to Jock Jams, Volume 1 to pump himself up before his answers.

14. Trump will release a vial of concentrated COVID-19 into the audience and proclaim that he'll only release the antidote if his demands are met.

15. Biden will tear off his shirt and challenge Trump to meet him at the flagpole at 3 to settle this like men.

16. Trump will pee into a cup — not as any drug test stunt, just as a general attempt to show dominance.

17. Trump will brush off complaints that he, as a billionaire, only paid $750 in taxes in 2017 by arguing that, far from being a pittance, $750 is actually a lot of money to a lot of low-income Americans living paycheck to paycheck, and if you can't see that, maybe you're the one who's out of touch.

18. Trump will solidify his already considerable grip on the Christian evangelical vote by explaining the incredible lengths he went to convince pornographic actress Stormy Daniels to accept Jesus into her heart.

19. Trump will promise that only he can save the country from the carnage, violence, and division the president has inflicted upon America.

20. Chris Wallace will secure a solemn pledge from each candidate that they will not claim that the election was "rigged" or "stolen" unless the other guy wins.

21. Biden will kick off a national debate about civility in politics when he stoops so low as to call President Donald Trump "unkempt and uncouth."

22. CNN's Daniel Dale will deliver his entire post-debate fact check in the form of a rapid-fire Music Man-style patter song.

23. Left-wing media critics will accuse the debate of "giving a platform to hate," "false equivalence" and "both-siderism" by broadcasting the answers given by both Biden and Trump.

24. Right-wing media critics will complain that the debate focused far too much on trivial issues like the deaths of 200,000 Americans from COVID-19, and not enough on the "real issues, like the rumors that Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster."

25. Many Americans will employ a "debate drinking game" as a fun way to use substance abuse to avoid confronting their deeper emotional problems.