There was a time when nothing was available "on-demand" unless you dragged your JNCO-ed ass to Blockbuster. I'm talking about the '90s, the glorious age of grunge, G-funk, and godawful TV action series.
"New content" rolled out over rabbit-ears TV in the summer. Local stations were flooded with low-budget syndicated action series, and few of them pass the smell test in 2019. Here are five '90s action series worth a stream and a laugh — but good luck making it past the first episode of most without a Zima.
V.I.P. (Season 1 on Sony Crackle)
Pamela Anderson's V.I.P. satirized the inherent misogyny and T&A exploitation of previous action series — while also amping and camping up the T&A, because Pamela Anderson. Valerie Irons Protection (V.I.P.) provides celebrity security and solid one-liners, and the pilot features future Breaking Bad award magnets Bryan Cranston and Dean Norris. Seriously.
Acapulco H.E.A.T. (Season 1-2 on Amazon Prime)
Acapulco H.E.A.T. (Hemisphere Emergency Action Team) could be the dumbest series ever created — and they made 48 episodes! The H.E.A.T. fights international terrorism while undercover as fashion models at an Acapulco resort hotel owned by... Fabio. How do you carry a gun in a banana hammock? Please stop thinking so hard.
Renegade (Seasons 1-5 on Prime and Hulu)
Framed for a murder he didn't commit, ex-Army Ranger Reno Raines (Lorenzo Lamas) and his lush mullet hit the road on a Harley. He then skids into a gig as a bounty hunter in the "badlands" (as pronounced in the dad-rockin' theme song) and five seasons of this shit. At least Renegade inspired Mac's sweet leather duster on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
La Femme Nikita (Seasons 1-5 on YouTube)
La Femme Nikita is a mostly action-free "action" series about assassins who operate out of an IKEA-furnished shadow government HQ. Nikita (Peta Wilson) stares through blonde bangs and emotes icily about "moral conflict," and LFN eventually earns its hype through slow-slow-slow-burn arcs.
Sheena (Seasons 1-2 on Crackle)
Former Baywatch star Gena Lee Nolin was looking for smarter roles in the late '90s — she wound up starring in Sheena, instead. Sheena (Nolin) was orphaned in the jungle as a child, but now protects the African wilderness with salon-perfect hair and a hand towel passing as a battle dress. Oh, and she can turn invisible, or into an animal. Spoiler: Everyone is white. ♦
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