Everyone needs somebody to believe in. Some worship gods, others worship money. But a very select few worship an odd little rich man named Elon Musk. Musk had it all — he was the world's richest man, churning out planet-saving vehicles, sending people into space, having children with someone named Grimes, and giving them names that sounded like abbreviations for Final Fantasy games.
And then he went and did something stupid and spent $44 billion for Twitter, which has been plunged into chaos ever since. But look, you're not going to convince your friend that Musk is anything less than a genius, so why not treat it the way a self-driving car treats a pedestrian and steer into it?
ECO-BATTERY VEHICLES EXPERIMENT KIT
Don't count Elon out. If he convinces conservatives to start buying electric vehicles en masse simply to trigger the libs, he could do more than Al Gore and Jay Inslee combined to fight climate change. While your gifting budget probably doesn't allow you to shell out the full price for a Tesla, do the next best thing, and get them a kit that lets them build their own eco-battery vehicle. Add in a roll of aluminum foil and they can convert it to a Cyber Truck. If they want the full Tesla experience, meanwhile, just a squirt or two of lighter fluid can simulate driving a vehicle with a "surprise Viking funeral" feature. $70 • Whiz Kids • 808 W. Main Ave. • whizkidstoys.net
INTERNET PASSWORD KEEPER
So your buddy is a little stressed because he bought a social media platform, fired most of its staff, and now suddenly all the cybersecurity for his multinational internet app has been reduced to Darrell, who's also the only guy who knows how to fix the office printer. Since it can be hard to simply memorize 330 million passwords, your friend might need a little bit of help. Remember, nothing is more secure than writing your passwords down in a notebook and leaving it on your desk. $10 • Atticus Coffee & Gifts • 222 N. Howard St. • facebook.com/AtticusCoffee/
CHECKED BLUE FABRIC
There is no prize more valued than blue checks to an Elon Musk fan. On Twitter, a blue checkmark used to be reserved only for people who achieved the level of fame at least commensurate with "local TV web producer." But now, Musk has allowed everyone to just pay for the checkmark, a little like how you can just buy a bowling trophy at Value Village. Fortunately, there is more than one source of blue checks in this world — and with a little bit of sewing prowess, you can make them a full three-piece blue check suit, showing just how notable they are. $14/yard • JOANN Fabrics and Crafts • 15110 E. Indiana Ave., Spokane Valley • joann.com
One unintended consequence of letting everyone pay for the symbol that proved you were who you said you were — it made it a lot harder to know who the hell everyone was. Was that really the Nintendo account posting Mario making a "Rated M for Mature" hand gesture? Was that really a pharmaceutical company offering to just give away their life-saving drugs for free? Was that FakeDanSavage account the RealDanSavage? Of the thousands of Elon Musk accounts, which one is the real Elon Musk? Can any of us truly be said to be "real," really? Simulate this kind of mystery and intrigue with the game Guess Who? There are also plenty of other fun and relevant games at Uncle's like Saboteur, which is all about accusing your coworkers of trying to destroy your vision. $19 • Uncle's Games Puzzles & More • 404 W. Main Ave. and 14700 E. Indiana Ave., Spokane Valley • unclesgames.com
How did a guy like Elon snag someone like musician/suspected simulation Grimes? With his incredible sense of humor, of course! Not a day goes by when you don't see Elon posting some hilarious meme or reply on Twitter, often one identical to the meme or reply that somebody else posted a few hours earlier. But this kind of wit can't just be simulated — unless, of course, you buy the "Fickle Pickle." Ask it anything and it responds with some cutting rejoinder like "Ask your Mom!" "Dill with it!" and "Umm, Maybe!" Ha ha! Where do they get this stuff!? (You'll have to include your own "Rolling on the Floor Crying Laughing" emoji.) $19 • Boo Radley's • 232 N. Howard St. • facebook.com/boorads ♦