Some people are hard to shop for. Say you have a football coaching friend, and you tried to give them a downright miraculous gift that could save their life and the lives of others, but — whether because they're scared or read bad reviews online — they refuse to take it. So you beg and you plead, and you literally threaten to fire them if they don't take it. And then they literally sacrifice a $3 million a year job instead of getting vaccinated.
Even if you're the Washington state governor, Christmas shopping is hard. So what do you get for that unvaccinated, unemployed football coach on your Secret Santa list?
BLOOD BOWL: SECOND SEASON EDITIONUncle's Games has a slew of great ideas, including games with titles like Funemployed and Pandemic and a 1,000-piece Martin Stadium puzzle. But what better way to channel all of that untapped coaching energy than by getting really into Warhammer tabletop strategy games? Blood Bowl is all the majesty of football combined with all the fun of board games and all the pointy teeth of orcs. Eventually, he can even buy a team aligned with Nurgle, the Chaos God of corruption and disease. $140 • Uncle's Games • 404 W. Main Ave.
GRAVESTONE IDEAS PENCILThe death rate for unvaccinated people is 13 times higher than for vaccinated people. Your unvaccinated football coach has heard that all before. But the last thing he wants to think about on his deathbed is what to put on his tombstone. Thankfully, this set of pencils with gravestone slogans can help. Yes, a lot of people who get COVID never die, so he may not get personal use from the gravestone idea pencil set. But since unvaccinated folks are a lot more likely to contract and spread the virus — he could always regift it to a friend. $10.95 • Boo Radley's • 232 N. Howard St.
"THIS IS US" WSU SIGNYour unvaccinated football coach may not get WSU swag for free any more, so let him show the tattered post-Apple Cup victory remains of his Cougar pride. "This Is Us," the wooden sign says, above a crimson Cougar logo. "Our Life. Our Story. Our Team." If "This Is Us" reminds him too much of that TV show where the beloved football-loving dad dies after doing something really stupid, toss in a can of red paint so he can alter the slogan from "This Is Us" to "That Was Me." $40 • The General Store • 2424 N. Division St.
GET WELLNESS HERB TEA FOR IMMUNITY"With bright orange notes, it's a tasty way to protect yourself," Republic of Tea says about the Get Immunity tea in their bundle of three Be Well teas. "Energize and protect. Arm your body's defense system with nature's best.*" Sure, when you follow the asterisk, you get a lot of disclaimer mumbo-jumbo about how that claim hasn't "been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration" and the product isn't "intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent disease." But what does the FDA know? What do they know of the healing power of elderberries? What do they know about aromatic cardamom and pungent cloves? Plus, Moderna tea tastes terrible. $17.95 • Atticus Coffee & Gifts • 222 N. Howard St.
SUPPORT FROM THE BOOSTERSObviously, an unvaccinated football coach can't get vaccinated without destroying his entire brand. But they never said anything about not getting a "booster shot" from Pfizer or Moderna. And at Walgreens, it's easier than ever to schedule a booster shot, and crucial with all these new COVID variants. Just because he's not a college football coach anymore doesn't mean he can't join the booster club. $0 • Walgreens • 2105 E. Wellesley Ave. ♦