I've been a lot of places, driven on a lot of roads. I thought I knew terrible driving after stints in Germany, and southern Arizona. But you people. You... people. You are unequivocally the absolute top-tier worst drivers on the face of this green Earth.
When it's dumping snow, sleet and slush, with hurricane force winds throwing entire snow banks across roads, you all want to drive like you're qualifying for a Formula 1 race. Foot to the floor in your busted ass '98 Honda, yellin' "Hi-ho, Silver!" and throttling into the blizzard as if "four-wheel drive" means "four wheel stop." You think because you grew up in this dump, you're the King of Winter Driving, and things like the laws of physics don't apply to you. Meanwhile, it'll be 75, clear and sunny, and every mouth-breathing troglodyte in this city decides that rush hour is the perfect time to drive 25 in a 35, come to a complete stop before making a simple turn, and take so long to start moving at a green light that I begin to have an idea of how long an Ice Age can last.
You drive like you've never had anywhere important to be in your entire lives. Everyday is Sunday! Let's all drive 20 mph on Ash and Maple, so we can take in the beautiful sights and smells of Spokane! Like piles of used needles, and the strangely omnipresent stench of pond scum that sticks to this place like a film!
I don't understand it. Did none of you take driving lessons? Have you only ever travelled by car within this insipid town that's trying to be a city? You do not need to use your blinker when pulling into a drive-thru lane at Jack in the Box. You do not need your blinker when travelling in a turn-only freeway on-ramp lane. (I know you're turning right. Where else would I assume you're going? Into the soundwall in front of you?) You do need your blinker when changing lanes, when making turns, and not for curves in the road, dinguses. Actual turns.
And speaking of on-ramps, would it kill you people to zipper into freeway traffic like every other human being in America? At the very least, not putter up the ramp at 30 mph, expecting everyone behind you to merge into 60 mph-plus traffic with you leading the charge of the snail soldiers?
And for the love of common sense, enough with stopping in the middle of full-blown traffic to let pedestrians cross the road. It's Division. There is no crosswalk. Screw the pedestrian, they can wait their turn to Frogger it, or use the crosswalk the city provides. When you morons come to a dead stop on a hill, I'm always waiting to hear you get rear-ended. I'm not often disappointed.
I know your various undergarments are in quite the twist at this point, and some of you are probably itching to fire up some strongly worded retort. May I suggest using the time to sign up for driving school, instead?
Just know that when people pass you, shaking their heads, it's because you drive like you've been recently lobotomized by a jackhammer, and we're all well and truly over it.