The Borowitz Report

by Andy Borowitz & r & Zell Miller Challenges Cindy Sheehan to a Duel & r & President Bush picked up an impassioned supporter in his conflict with antiwar protesters outside his Crawford, Texas, ranch this week, as former Georgia Sen. Zell Miller challenged protester Cindy Sheehan to a duel. Dressed in what he called "an 18th-century dueling costume" and brandishing a gleaming antique sword, Sen. Miller said that Ms. Sheehan had "besmirched the president's honor" and that he intended to defend it.


"When I saw Cindy Sheehan protesting outside President Bush's ranch, I said, 'Sir, I wish we lived in the days when you could challenge a person to a duel!'" Sen. Miller said, apparently referring to Ms. Sheehan as "Sir." The former senator said he would travel to Crawford in the next 48 hours to "throw a glove at Cindy Sheehan," shortly after which he expected a duel with the antiwar protester to commence. (At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that Sen. Miller's decision to challenge Ms. Sheehan to a duel was his alone, but added that Karl Rove would be willing to serve as the former senator's second.)


Meanwhile, President Bush used his weekly radio address to send the message that he intends to "stay the course" in his war against Cindy Sheehan. Mr. Bush's remarks came amid new polls showing that public support for the war against Sheehan is on the wane. "Cindy Sheehan is a formidable enemy, but through stubbornness and inflexibility, I will prevail," he said.


Elsewhere, the soft drink industry said it would cut back on selling sugary drinks at elementary and middle schools and would instead focus on making people obese at shopping malls.





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