by Andy Borowitz
Actor Tom Cruise stunned the Arab world today by seizing control of the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network to declare his love for former Dawson's Creek star Katie Holmes.
Mr. Cruise, who was seen jumping up and down on a couch declaring his love for Ms. Holmes on Oprah last week, and who relentlessly professed his love for her at the Cannes Film Festival last month, apparently decided that those declarations were insufficient because they did not completely reach the Arabic-speaking world.
According to sources inside al-Jazeera, a heavily armed Mr. Cruise burst into the television network's studio shortly after lunch, just as an announcer was broadcasting news of reported wounds to the U.S.'s most wanted man in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
Brandishing a firearm and wearing two ammunition belts across his naked, gleaming torso, Mr. Cruise shoved the announcer out of his anchor chair and declared, "I love Katie Holmes so much it is absolutely unbelievable! I so totally love this girl!"
In his five-minute address to the Arab world, Mr. Cruise denied that his heavily publicized romance with Ms. Holmes was in any way a trumped-up promotional stunt: "My love for Katie has nothing to do with my new movie, War of the Worlds, directed by Steven Spielberg and opening in theaters everywhere this summer."
The Cruise incident left many at al-Jazeera shaken, including one studio technician who said, "That was scarier than anything we've broadcast by bin Laden."
Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security announced that it would replace its color-coded terror alert system with a Magic Eight Ball.
Publication date: 06/02/05