The Gospel According to Slayer

Let all who have ears listen, for rivers of blood are soon to engulf our city. The voices of great prophets have spoken to me in dreams. They have warned me of great danger, singed flesh and cracked bones. The prophets spoke to me of three signs proclaiming the coming of the Dark Prince.

I will recount the three dark signs as they appeared to me.

First, the great heavens opened and unleashed a fury of scorching heat. The grass withered and faded. The air turned sickly and hellish. Food rotted. Smells permeated every corner of the city. Mosquitoes sucked the blood of both cattle and infants. Open sores lingered. In every corner of every house, large spiders bred.

Then the second sign was revealed to me. The music of the people turned increasingly black. Cymbals clanged and stringed instruments pounded out sounds of gnashing-teeth and heresies. The musical poets increasingly turned their lyrics toward the Dark Prince, that old serpent, Satan.

At last, the third sign made itself known. The unholy sounds would travel to a great city by night and torture the people with black prophecies. Instead of fear, the townspeople would place these dark artists on a great stage, the likes of which had never been seen before. They would worship them by torchlight and chant. They would remark to each other, "Is there anyone as great as this beast? Who dares challenge him?"

Heed the warnings, friends, for the prophecies have been fulfilled!

A cloud of dense night is upon this town, a darkness inhabited with the growls of necromancers, blood worms, bone-dust and skin.

Under the sign of the Baphomet pentagram, the demoniac thrash-metal phantoms, Slayer, fall upon our city promoting sounds of utter darkness. The descendents of Southern California, heavily steeped in the hexen ways of the region, bring with them songs filled with black sorcery and dismemberment. The four horsemen of sickly music ride into this town under the cloak of night to spread their evil message. With utter blasphemy, they hold their black mass in our holy temple, the Spokane Arena! The dark priests will sing their satanic hymns, as they have sung them for the last 20 harvests. Their tongues offer up songs of suffering from the Necronomicon. They sing of great reigns of blood!

Brothers, don't let the mortal names Kerry King, Tom Araya, Jeff Hanneman and Dave Lombardo fool you. These are the same arch-demons who have tortured our holy brothers and sisters since the dawn of time. Along with Slayer, this Unholy Alliance brings several others practicing the dark arts. Assemblies such as Lamb of God, Children of Botom, Mastodon, and Thine Eyes Bleed join at the same temple at a dark hour on our sacred Sabbath.

In order to avoid this black curse, let every head of household smear the blood of nursing lambs over the doorway so as to not reap vengeance from the one who bears death.

For when the great demon Abaddon wields his blood hook and the dark angel, Samoth, his unholy dagger, the skies will be lit with the black flames of Azazel.

Listen to what I have to say!

Take no shelter with Judas Iscariot and the other blasphemes. Run to the hills as fast as your broken legs will carry your decrepit body, for the feral beast gnaws on Achilles.

When the time comes for fires to be lighted and the altar of sacrifice warms with the paste of innocent blood, don't say I didn't warn you.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Slayer at the Spokane Arena with Lamb of God, Children of Botom, Mastodon and Thine Eyes Bleed on Saturday, July 15, at 6 pm. Tickets: $39. Visit or call 325-SEAT.

Bass Canyon Music Festival @ Gorge Amphitheater

Fri., Aug. 19, 12 p.m., Sat., Aug. 20, 12 p.m. and Sun., Aug. 21, 12 p.m.
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About The Author

James Pants

James Pants is an internationally renowned DJ, a Whitworth University alum and a former Spokane resident