Like you, I was on the fence about the whole "The world ended in 2012 and we've been existing in an effed-up alternate reality ever since" theory. But then the resurrection of the XFL was announced, so there's no denying it: This is another dimension, and it is OFF.
For those unaware, the XFL was an "xtreme" football league launched by World Wrestling Entertainment in 2001 — but now it's back! Why? Stop thinking so hard. Here are some of the XFL teams we'll all be following to glory.
D.C. Defenders (Debut: Feb. 8 on ABC)
Washington D.C.'s 68th pro sports franchise will be led to violent, bloodletting victory by head coach Pep Hamilton, best known as the frontman of seminal '90s noise-rockers Helmet — like a football helmet, get it? The Defenders are also notable for having D.C.'s least-racist team name.
Seattle Dragons (Feb. 8 on ABC)
When the XFL failed to recruit Imagine Dragons into its new gridiron venture, Vince McMahon said, "Screw it, we'll go to Seattle — they don't have any football up there." (Vince doesn't do the NFL). The readjusted Seattle Dragons are expected to have a strong running game, despite playing in Birkenstocks.
L.A. Wildcats (Feb. 8 on Fox)
Early reports have it that the L.A. Wildcats' coaching staff only wants to use this rebooted XFL season to transition their players into the NFL — which is sooo on-brand for L.A. In 2001, original XFL team L.A. Xtreme won the league's "Super Bowl," so... legacy? Like, totally.
Dallas Renegades (Feb. 9 on ESPN)
The new sportsball pride of Texas will play their home games in a refurbished Arlington baseball stadium — extreme! Also, the Renegades will be the first football team ever to be allowed to use guns in defensive play, because Texas. Sponsored by Alex Jones' infowarsstore.com.
Houston Roughnecks (Feb. 8 on Fox)
Two XFL teams in Texas? How big is that state, anyway? The Houston Roughnecks derive their name from a downtown 1980s leather bar secretly frequented by the old NFL Oilers. In homage, the Roughnecks will play wearing zipper masks and ball gags instead of helmets and mouth guards.
New York Guardians (Feb. 9 on Fox)
New York didn't have a team in the 2001 XFL — kind of an insult, considering every franchise has boasted a Big Apple squad, even the Lingerie Football League (New York Majesty, represent!). Fun fact: The Guardians aren't human, but actual, supernaturally animated gargoyles. ♦
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