Pin It

Take Two 

Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem & r & & r & by BEN KROMER & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & W & lt;/span & hat kind of movie is Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem? Is it sci-fi? Horror? Action? A hybrid? No! It's a mystery film.

The mystery is: Why is it so hard to make a decent Aliens vs Predator movie? There's no reason for them to be this bad. There are a million potentially awesome ways to combine the two franchises. 20th Century Fox could've picked an AvP fan script from the Internet out of a hat and odds are they would have found something better than what they've used so far. AvP:R -- the second film in the franchise -- is better than the original only because it's rated R and because it doesn't take place in a futuristic pyramid in present-day Antarctica.

Requiem starts with a Queen Alien/Predator hybrid bursting out of the chest of a dead Predator from the first movie and crash landing on earth. Another Predator hears about this, gets upset and flies to Earth to hunt Aliens and disintegrate their corpses (and those of any humans nearby) with blue goo straight out of Harry Potter.

Is the Predator's mission to protect the continuity of the Aliens franchise? Could be. Whatever his purpose, Predator eventually gets into a wrestling match with the Alien/Predator Queen hybrid and then the humans blow everything up in an ending that manages to rip off both The Terminator and Return of the Living Dead.

It's obvious that a movie called Aliens vs. Predator should focus on Aliens and Predators, yet this is the second time humans have gotten the most screen time. I can see people on TV any time I want. If I pay to see a movie called Aliens vs. Predator, I want to see those two things with the humans left out. Or at least make one or two human characters not utterly suck. Also, giving a woman a gun and a kid to take care of doesn't make her Ripley any more than giving a woman a giant, perfectly sculpted man-jaw makes her Sigourney Weaver.

They probably should have avoided anything that would cause people think of Aliens and then wonder why AvP:R is so bad by comparison. For instance, one great thing about Aliens is that it doesn't have any subplots; it just had the one plot that was sufficiently exciting to carry the movie through two and a half hours. AvP:R has a subplot about a guy with girl troubles whose brothers just got out of jail and who is also friends of the newly elected sheriff who lives in the same town as the mom who returned from Iraq and is estranged from her daughter but probably forges a new connection when they see dad getting eaten by Aliens, which have something to do with a Predator who has come to Earth to avenge the death of his brother. Or the death of his boyfriend. Or he just wants to kill more Aliens. I have to guess at Predator's motivation because they all talk in an inscrutable clicking language and have no subtitles.

Released on Christmas Day, AvP:R is the crappiest present of all. 20th Century Fox has sold out the Bedford Falls of everyone's nostalgia for the sci-fi franchises for the Pottersville of a cynical, soulless cash-in. It's exactly like the commercials said, "Whoever wins... we lose." (Rated R)

  • Pin It

Latest in News

  • OK, Hold Your Nose
  • OK, Hold Your Nose

    Everything you need to know before Election Day
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • Base of Support
  • Base of Support

    Polling local leaders and opinion-makers about presidential politics
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • The Messenger
  • The Messenger

    Local leaders weigh in on how Donald Trump's campaign has impacted racism in America
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Today | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat
Lost Egypt: Ancient Secrets, Modern Science

Lost Egypt: Ancient Secrets, Modern Science @ Northwest Museum of Arts & Culture

Tuesdays-Sundays. Continues through Jan. 6

All of today's events | Staff Picks

More by Ben Kromer

  • Dances With Spools

    by BEN KROMER & r & & r & & lt;span class= & quot;dropcap & quot; & L & lt;/span & akedance, the name of Sandpoint's new film festival, boldly throws down the gauntlet in front of the famous Sundance Film Festival. Once known as the Idaho Panhandle International Film Festival, Sandpoint
    • Sep 5, 2007
  • Remote Possibilites

    FX, Thursdays, 10 pm & lt;span class= & quot;dropcap & quot; & I & lt;/span & t's high times for jerks on TV. There have always been jerks, of course, but never so numerous or memorable. Drs. House and Cox are jerks. The strik
    • Sep 5, 2007
  • Remote Possibilites

    (Fridays, 9 pm, History Channel) & lt;span class= & quot;dropcap & quot; & I & lt;/span & had a chance to ask TV's Phil Harris what movies he likes and he mentioned Top Gun, briefly describing its appeal as "the music, going fast ... and jets." That
    • Aug 15, 2007
  • More »

Most Commented On

  • To Kill the Black Snake

    Historic all-tribes protest at Standing Rock is meant to stop the destruction of the earth for all
    • Sep 8, 2016
  • Murrow's Nightmare

    Debate moderators need to be much more than an onstage prop to make our democracy work
    • Sep 15, 2016
  • More »

Top Tags in
News & Comment

election 2016

trail mix


green zone


Readers also liked…

  • Worth a Shot
  • Worth a Shot

    As preventable disease breaks out, concern for public health reaches a fever pitch
    • Feb 18, 2015
  • Buzzkill
  • Buzzkill

    Elected officials in Idaho won't mellow the state's pot laws. Can an initiative change that?
    • Apr 22, 2015

© 2016 Inlander
Website powered by Foundation