Tale of the Tape

by LUKE BAUMGARTEN & r & & r & Rock & amp; Roll Jesus vs. Actual Jesus & r & & r & & lt;span class= & quot;dropcap & quot; & L & lt;/span & ast October, when Kid Rock released Rock & amp; Roll Jesus, it was a not-so-subtle implication that he makes a better messiah for the 21st century than the guy who had held the title for the last 2000 years. We'll be the judge of that.





Brand Progression


& lt;li & Rock & amp; Roll Jesus & r & Devil without a Cause, American Badass, Rock N' Roll Jesus & lt;/li &


& lt;li & Actual Jesus & r & Man, Son of Man, Son of God & lt;/li &





Hates On


& lt;li & Rock & amp; Roll Jesus & r & "Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas ... Natural disasters ... these wolves in sheep clothes pastors." & lt;/li &


& lt;li & Actual Jesus & r & Temple money changers, the Pharisees, the Yankees (unverified) & lt;/li &





Facial Hair


Pretty much identical





Key Commandment


& lt;li & Rock & amp; Roll Jesus & r & "Turn me up in the headphones" & lt;/li &


& lt;li & Actual Jesus & r & "Love your neighbor as yourself" & lt;/li &





Sales Numbers


& lt;li & Rock & amp; Roll Jesus & r & 24 million albums in last 11 years. Devil Without a Cause sold 11 million in 1998, about 10 million behind Garth Brooks' Double Live. & lt;/li &


& lt;li & Actual Jesus & r & 250 million Bibles in last 11 years, about 100 million behind Harry Potter. & lt;/li &





Celebrity Marriage


& lt;li & Rock & amp; Roll Jesus & r & Pam Anderson (formerly) & lt;/li &


& lt;li & Actual Jesus & r & Mary Magdalene (allegedly) & lt;/li &





Conclusion


Rock & amp; Roll Jesus is vitriolic, narcissistic, covetous, shallow and obsessed with sex and fame. Pretty much the messiah we deserve. Actual Jesus better hire an image consultant.





Kid Rock with Rehab at the Arena on Tuesday, September 9 at 8 pm. $27-$47. Visit www.ticketswest.com or call 325-SEAT