Last month I wrote about the winter of my discontent, so to keep balance in the force I figured I'd best consider the antonym — a spring of contentment. Though I've yet to arrive at this particular destination, I consider this a process — more aspiration than actual.
Nearly every happiness scientist (yep, that's a real position) I respect begins a conceptual investigation by breaking the term down into what it is and what it is not. Dr. Brené Brown, the patron saint of "daring greatly" among many fans, tells us to properly reference the emotion as a state, not a trait, and then categorizes the feeling. We are not discussing the euphoric, the elated or the ecstatic — so frequently fleeting and focused on only temporary pleasure. Our aim is far loftier. We are in search of the sturdier, the sustainable, dare I even say superior resting state of well-being, aka "content," which can be defined as the feeling of completeness, appreciation and "enoughness" that we experience when our needs are satisfied.
While it is true that humans typically have happiness set points from heredity factors, circumstances also play their part. We can influence our stasis to some degree.
The data also tells us that we err. What we believe will make us merry usually doesn't last. (For extra dramatic impact, imagine The Price is Right losing horn here.) We have happiness misconceptions. Yale psychology professor and cognitive scientist Laurie Santos summarizes it this way: "So many of our intuitions about happiness are just wrong." Social psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson echo this theory, giving us a handy label — "miswanting." (See also: "Some Problems in the Forecasting of Future Affective States.") And this problem is exacerbated because of the modern social media scene. Our once limited reference points are hyper-expanded, knocking everything off-kilter. We used to have much smaller ranges of comparison, but now it's virtually endless.
Another issue impacting us is Hedonic Adaptation. Essentially, we spend all this time wanting a thing, and then we get it. For a while, our cheer level trends upward. We initially rejoice — in that car or that promotion or in snagging that cool person — and then we recalibrate to our usual baseline.
So, what is this hot mess of a human brain to do? There are many strategies, but the tried-and-true tactics are quite simple. You likely will not appreciate this "cure" because you already know the answer. Almost all the research confirms that consistent application of these clichés will move you toward an increasingly stable, joyous state.
Get to bed on time. Be grateful. Nourish strong social connections. Move your body. Meditate.
Ugh. I know, I too was hoping for something more magical, but it seems it's the mundane that actually makes it happen. ♦
Inga N. Laurent is a local legal educator and a Fulbright scholar. She is deeply curious about the world and its constructs and delights in uncovering common points of connection that unite our shared but unique human experiences.
In the spirit of maintaining the ordinary habits, I listen to the "Happier" podcast by recovering-lawyer-turned-happiness-guru Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft, who sit down weekly to assess their happiness gold stars and demerits. Here are some of mine:
INGA'S BRIGHT SHINY GOLD STARS
• Fan-girling over my bestie's kiddo at his adorable kindergarten-second grade basketball game.
• Splurging and savoring that good, good soap — that fresh, French triple-milled, aqua and oakmoss squeaky clean scent.
• Learning Haitian Kreyòl on Duolingo alongside my soon-to-be-mother-in-law. I'm currently on an 18-day streak, baby (pronounced behbeeee).
• Premarital Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and committing to building a solid foundation pre-problem.
• My daily vitamin habit.
• In this house, we call it bedjail, but it's the establishment of an early, sacred nighttime ritual. Electronics — out. Warm lights, comfy sheets, pear blossom/agave linen spray, and other essential sundry routines — in.
• Mini morning meditation and gratitude lists while glancing up to see the sun rise over the ridge.
INGA'S DON'T-JUDGE-ME DEMERITS
• When I formally recognized "Pizza in the Morning, Pizza in the Evening, Pizza at Suppertime, When Pizza's on a Bagel You Can Eat Pizza Anytime" as my official theme song.
• Moving the laundry basket from in front of the dryer to the couch and then onto the coffee and dining tables (to the window to the wall).
• Unconsciously opening apps and doomscrolling.
• Making an "executive decision" to abandon the normal morning routine and instead start the day with Covet — a trendy, fun little fashion game — whilst repeating to myself "It'll be fine, this is fine."
• Replacing "shots" in the Lil Jon song with "snacks" every time I eat one.
• Binge watching Henry Cavill/The Witcher.
• Procrastinating on this Inlander piece (sorry Ted!).
