The Fourth of July is behind us — how patriotic are you feeling? Me, I can barely muster the motivation to light a sparkler to rah-rah-rah for the red, white, and blue, much less crank out a column on star-spangled TV. So, I simply typed "'Merica" into streaming database Reelgood.com — laziness is this country's birthright — and it spit back these movies. DJ, please cue up "Proud to Be an American," or "YMCA," and let's get this BBQ started.
AMERICAN PSYCHO 2 (2002)
Except for a scene tacked on to insert Patrick Bateman into the narrative, American Psycho 2 has absolutely nothing to do with 2000's American Psycho, not even a feigned appreciation for Huey Lewis and The News. To better understand serial killers, criminology student Rachael (Mila Kunis) becomes one herself, eliminating her college competition for Quantico's FBI Academy — can't knock the hustle. If nothing else, American Psycho 2 is Kunis' best role since Meg Griffin.
AMERICATHON (1979)
In the distant future of 1998, the U.S. has run out of oil, paper money is worthless, and the country is about to be repossessed by a Native American cartel. Then new-agey President Chet Roosevelt (John Ritter) has an idea: A telethon to save America. Americathon is as relentlessly stupid as a MAD magazine issue come to life (Wiki "MAD magazine" and "telethon," kids), but it does have a young Meat Loaf battling the last functioning muscle car in the nation.
AMERICAN SATAN (2017)
Nobody Hollywood rock band The Relentless crosses paths with The Devil (Malcolm McDowell — a Brit, so this Satan isn't even American), who says he'll make them superstars if they perform a human sacrifice for him. They do, he does, and the de rigueur montage of sex, drugs, and rock-star debauchery ensues. This Hot Topic debacle is hellishly terrible, but yet was somehow spun out into a slightly-less-terrible TV series (Paradise City, also streaming on Tubi).
BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA (1996)
A stone-cold American road-trip classic, following stone-dim delinquents Beavis and Butt-Head (both voiced by Mike Judge) as they travel the country in hopes that "heh, we're gonna score, heh-heh." they don't (spoiler), but Beavis & Butt-Head Do America does boast the highest critical score of any movie here, and features Beavis (as Cornholio) wiping his bunghole with the Declaration of Independence 30 years before Orange 45.
GOD BLESS AMERICA (2011)
Disgusted with American culture, middle-aged Frank (Joel Murray) and deranged teen Roxy (Tara Lynne Barr) go on a killing spree, taking out reality TV stars, religious protestors, and right-wing political pundits. The trail of blood ends at an American Idol-style singing competition show (it's like this movie read my mind).
AMERICAN JOYRIDE (2011)
Ty (Alex Petrovich) and Crystal (Katherine Randolph) are redneck lovebirds on the run from a psychotic loanshark — so of course they record their Deep South crime spree in hopes of selling it as a reality show (hey, we know TLC would be all over it). American Joyride is just another Natural Born Killers ripoff, a subgenre already perfected by 1994's underrated Love and a .45 (Renée Zellweger's finest hour), but it's still good for some gonzo shaky-cam kicks.
AMERICAN BIGFOOT (2017)
A Bigfoot goes on a rampage in Ohio after its cub is killed by a drunk with a gun (hence the American modifier), and it's headed straight for a campground for dry-humping teens called Kampout (the movie's original title). Like Cocaine Bear on a 5-Hour Energy budget, American Bigfoot plays more like a comedy than a horror flick, headlined by what appears to be a roid-raging Muppet and that guy from Gremlins (Zach Galligan). We can lose Ohio, it's fine. ♦
