The Borowitz Report

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & WHITE HOUSE OUSTS PASTRY CHEF; SHAKEUP COMPLETE & r & Attempting to answer the calls within his own party to shake up his beleaguered administration, President George W. Bush last week ousted the White House pastry chef and pronounced the shakeup complete.


"There have been many Republicans in Congress who have been calling upon me to do something drastic," Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. "I am convinced that by firing the pastry chef, we have fixed the problems."


Mr. Bush, while declining to "play the blame game," indicated that after much consideration he had concluded that the White House pastry chef was at the root of most of the problems of his administration.


"Let's face it, during the run-up to the war in Iraq, there was all of that talk about weapons of mass destruction, and the pastry chef didn't say anything about it," Mr. Bush said. "If he knew that the intelligence was faulty, he should have spoken up."


The president added that the pastry chef was "slow to act" in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina: "Basically, he was just in the kitchen baking the whole time."


While Mr. Bush said that firing the White House pastry chef would probably solve all of the problems plaguing his administration of late, he was not afraid to take future action if warranted.


"I am fully prepared to fire the person who waters the plants around here," Mr. Bush said.


Elsewhere, adolescents who do not get enough sleep and then drive while drowsy pose a safety hazard, according to a new study today published in Duh magazine.





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