The Borowitz Report

by Andy Borowitz & r & & r & GOLD DIGGERS, GIGOLOS RALLY IN SUPPORT OF ANNA NICOLE & r & As Anna Nicole Smith brought her claim for the fortune of her late husband, Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall II, to the United States Supreme Court last week, a broad-based coalition of gold diggers and gigolos marched on Washington to show their support for the former Playboy playmate.


The National Association of Gold Diggers and Gigolos, an organization that boasts a membership of more than 50,000, organized a rally to demonstrate their solidarity with one of their most celebrated peers.


Ms. Smith's quest for her fair share of Mr. Marshall's billions might not seem like a popular cause, but to the hundreds of gold diggers and gigolos who appeared on the steps of the nation's highest court today, it's a matter of survival.


Cristall Klujian, a former stripper who now works as a full-time gold digger, says that the Smith case "could very well determine whether gold digging is a viable occupation in the United States of America.


"To the outside world, being a gold digger may seem like easy money," Ms. Klujian added. "I can tell you, as someone who has gone on vacations with wealthy boyfriends and laughed at their jokes, this is hard work."


Davis Logsdon, a former exotic dancer who has worked as a gigolo for the past 10 years, echoed Ms. Klujian's sentiments: "If the United States Supreme Court does not stand up for the rights of American gigolos, we may see our jobs continue to be outsourced to France."


Elsewhere, in the aftermath of the Dick Cheney hunting accident and the Dubai ports deal, the White House announced a one-day moratorium on doing anything idiotic.





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