The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21 percent, Sen. Clinton 18 percent, and various forms of suicide 61 percent.
"Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus" was the most popular means of suicide at 22 percent, with "jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge" coming in second at 17 percent.
According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential presidential candidates in 2008.
"It's still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn't be making Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers," Mr. Pritchard said.
Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Clinton, adding, "That's better than a sharp stick in the eye."
But Mr. Pritchard was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Kerry's upbeat assessment: "In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Sen. Kerry by a two-to-one margin."
Elsewhere, reacting to the Pope's recent gaffes about Muslims, President Bush said, "I guess I'm the only person left who's infallible."
& r &
& & For more fake news from award-winning humorist Andy Borowitz, check out the & lt;a href="http://www.borowitzreport.com" & Borowitz Report & lt;/a & & & .