Take Two

by BEN KROMER & r & & r & I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & T & lt;/span & hough I've never been formally diagnosed, I think I might be part sociopath. I can only imagine what it's like to be conscious of the feelings of other people. Some sort of awful Borg collective is my best guess. Sensitivity and the taking of offense are particularly alien to me, and as I watched the beginning of Chuck and Larry I tried to guess whom it would offend most: women or gays. I was leaning toward gays until the halfway point when a new competitor surged into the lead. Asians! Asians will hate Chuck and Larry the most! Asians win!

A hollow victory, to be sure. As I said, I can't imagine what it would be like to be an Asian person seeing Rob Schneider (uncredited) with a mop top and his eyelids pulled back, ching-chong-bing-bonging his way through marrying Adam Sandler and Kevin James. I'm a fan of ethnic stereotyping, and even I didn't find it funny.

The reason these two firefighters Chuck (Sandler) and Larry (James) are pretending to be gay doesn't make much sense, but why should it? It's merely the entire plot. During the movie, Chuck and Larry learn how discrimination hurts, they have fights that make it sound like they really are a gay couple, their FDNY brothers grudgingly embrace tolerance, someone gets over their dead wife, and lifelong lessons are learned. But the most important lesson of all is that Adam Sandler and Kevin James are not themselves homosexuals. In fact, I can picture Sandler talking to his manager...

ADAM "STRAIGHT" SANDLER: ...and make sure every commercial and every print ad mentions, first thing, that the main characters are into girls.

MANAGER: Adam, just because you're pretending to be a character who is pretending to be gay doesn't mean anyone will think that you are gay.

A.S.S.: My fans aren't too smart. Now, I wrote down a few of my sex fantasies, including one where identical twins with big hooters make out. Make sure they get into the movie.

MAN: I don't know if making your character a despicable womanizer is a good move.

A.S.S: Didn't you read the part in the script where I find that one special girl who makes me want to change my ways?

MAN: I assumed your character was saying that to get into Jessica Biel's panties.

A.S.S.: High-five!

MAN: I really don't see gays going for this movie, especially considering the material with Larry's effete 10-year-old son. Some of it's downright creepy.

A.S.S.: Hey, this movie has a message. And the message is that gay people are OK -- but I am not, in a million billion years, in any way, some kind of homo. I ain't queer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

MAN: Gotcha. I gotta tell you at this point in your career I don't think you should be doing movies that are even more lowbrow than Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. Don't you know any writers?

A.S.S.: You know the name of the company that's producing this movie? It's HAPPY MADISON. Know what else? I'M BOTH OF THOSE GUYS, AND WE MAKE A TON OF MONEY. Now find me those twins.

And so on. If you haven't made up your mind about this movie, I've devised a simple test: See how, in the imagined conversation up above, it says ASS MAN over and over? If you think that's truly, deeply hilarious, then I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is the movie for you. If not, then you should seek out something more highbrow, like the gag gifts they sell at the NorthTown Spencer's. (Rated PG-13)